Murphy's Laws C

C

Cafeteria Law
The item you had your eye on the minute you walked in will be taken by the person in front of you.

Cahn's Axiom (Allen's Axiom)
When all else fails, read the instructions.

Calkin's Law of Menu Language
The number of adjectives and verbs that are added to the description of a menu item is in inverse
proportion to the quality of the resulting dish.

Camp's Law
A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not take place.

Campbell's Law
Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter.

Canada Bill Jones's Motto
It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.

Canada Bill Jones's Supplement
A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.

Cannon's Cogent Comment
The leak in the roof is never in the same location as the drip.

Cannon's Comment
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a
flat tire.

Captain Penny's Law
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can't
fool MOM.

The Cardinal Conundrum
An optimist believes that we live in the best of all possible worlds. A pessimist fears that this is true.

Carpenters Law
If you have only one nail, it will bend.

Carson's Law
It's better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.

Cartoon Laws
1.Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck
steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he
chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes
over.
2.Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot
from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that
only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac
Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.
3.Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter. Also
called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure
explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the
wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout- perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often
catalyzes this reaction.
4.The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for
whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. Such
an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.
5.All principles of gravity are negated by fear. Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock
to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature
sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a
flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch
the ground, especially when in flight.
6.As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. This is particularly true of
tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of
altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are
spinning or being throttled. A 'wacky' character has the option of self- replication only at manic high
speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
7.Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot.
This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generation, but at least it is known that whoever paints
an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical
space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is
ultimately a problem of art, not of science.
8.Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. Cartoon cats possess even more
deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced,
splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few
moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.
Corollary - A cat will assume the shape of its container.
9.For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance. This is the one law of animated
cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of
watching it happen to a duck instead.
10.Everything falls faster than an anvil. Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner
cartoons.

Cavanaugh's Postulate
All kookies are not in a jar.

Cayo's Law
The only things that start on time are those that you're late for.

Chappaquidick Theorem
The sooner and in more detail you announce the bad news, the better.

Law of Character and Appearance
People don't change; they only become more so.

Chase's Contentions
1.The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions is the most likely to be correct.
2.Whenever two hypotheses cover the facts, use the simpler of the two.
3.Cut the crap. A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.

Chase's Observations of Human Belief
1.The most preposterous notion that Homo Sapiens has ever dreamed up is that there is a Lord God
of Creation.
2.That this God is the shaper and ruler of all the universe.
3.That this God lives up in the sky.
4.That this God wants the saccharine adoration of his creatures and can be swayed by their prayers.
5.That this God becomes petulant if He does not receive this flattery;
Conclusion - This absurd fantasy, without a shred of evidence to bolster it, pays all the expenses of
the oldest, largest, and least productive industry in all history.

Chase's Rule For Success
Trust only those who stand to lose as much as you when things go wrong.

Chases Laws of Car Repairs
1.Leakproof seals- will.
2.Self starters -won't.
3.Interchangeable parts-won't.
4.Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath to the exact center.
5.After you have repaired it yourself you will have one small part left over that doesn't go anywhere.
6.Every automobile comes with a build in abyss which things that you have dropped fall into, never to
be seen again.

Checkbook Balancer's Law
In matters of dispute, the bank's balance is always smaller than yours.

Cheops's Law
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

Chesterton's Observation
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

Chili Cook's Secret
If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is because of something left out, rather than added.

Chisholm's First Law and Corollary
see Murphy's Third and Fifth Laws.
Chisholm's Second Law
When things are going well, something will go wrong.
Corollaries:
1.When things just can't get any worse, they will.
2.Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
Chisholm's Third Law
Proposals, as understood by the proposer, will be judged otherwise by others.
Corollaries:
1.If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.
2.If you do something which you are sure will meet with everyone's approval, somebody won't
like it.
3.Procedures devised to implement the purpose won't quite work.
4.No matter how long or how many times you explain, no one is listening.

Churchill's Commentary on Man
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue
on as though nothing has happened.

Ciardi's Poetry Law
Whenever in time, and wherever in the universe, any man speaks or writes in any detail about the
technical management of a poem, the resulting irascibility of the reader's response is a constant.

Cirino's Law of Burnt Fingers
Hot glass looks the same as cold glass.

Clark's First Law of Relativity
No matter how often you trade dinner or other invitations with in-laws, you will lose a small fortune in
the exchange.
Corollary - Don't try it: you cannot drink enough of your in-laws' booze to get even before your liver
fails.

Clark's Law
It's always darkest just before the lights go out.

Clarke's First Law
When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly
right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.
Corollary (Asimov) - When the lay public rallies round an idea that is denounced by distinguished
but elderly scientists, and supports that idea with great fervor and emotion -- the distinguished but
elderly scientists are then, after all, right.
Clarke's Second Law
The limits of the possible can only be defined by going beyond them into the impossible.
Clarke's Third Law
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

Clarke's Law of Revolutionary Ideas
Every revolutionary idea -- in Science, Politics, Art or Whatever -- evokes three stages of reaction.
They may be summed up by the three phrases:
1."It is completely impossible -- don't waste my time."
2."It is possible, but it is not worth doing."
3."I said it was a good idea all along."

Cleveland's Highway Law
Highways in the worst need of repair naturally have low traffic counts, which results in low priority for
repair work.

Clopton's Law
For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill.

Clyde's Law
If you have something to do, and put it off long enough, chances are that someone else will do it for
you.

Cohen's Law
What really matters is the name you succeed in imposing on the facts -- not the facts themselves.

Cohen's Laws of Politics
Law of Alienation
Nothing can so alienate a voter from the political system as backing a winning candidate.
Law of Ambition
At any one time, thousands of borough councilmen, school board members, attorneys, and
businessmen -- as well as congressmen, senators, and governors -- are dreaming of the White
House, but few, if any of them, will make it.
Law of Attraction
Power attracts people but it cannot hold them.
Law of Competition
The more qualified candidates who are available, the more likely the compromise will be on the
candidate whose main qualification is a nonthreatening incompetence.
Law of Inside Dope
There are many inside dopes in politics and government.
Law of Lawmaking
Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often surprised and appalled to
find themselves the instigators of law.
Law of Permanence
Political power is as permanent as today's newspaper. Ten years from now, few will know or care
who the most powerful man in any state was today.
Law of Secrecy
The best way to publicize a governmental or political action is to attempt to hide it.
Law of Wealth
Victory goes to the candidate with the most accumulated or contributed wealth who has the financial
resources to convince the middle class and poor that he will be on their side.
Law of Wisdom
Wisdom is considered a sign of weakness by the powerful because a wise man can lead without
power but only a powerful man can lead without wisdom.

Cohn's Law
The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do anything.
Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are
doing.

Cole's Axiom
The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.

Cole's Law
Thinly sliced cabbage.

Colson's Law
When you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

Comin's Law
People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.

Committee Law
1.A committee is the only life form with 12 stomachs and no brain.
2.A camel is a horse which was designed by a committee
3.If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault.
4.A committee is twelve people doing the work of one.

Committee Rules
1.Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
2.Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise.
3.Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.
4.When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
5.Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for.

Commoner's Three Laws of Ecology
1.No action is without side-effects.
2.Nothing ever goes away.
3.There is no free lunch.

Compensation Corollary
The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 50% of the observed measurments
must be discarded to obtain a correspondence with theory.

Law of Competition
The more qualified candidates who are available, the more likely the compromise will be on the
candidate whose main qualification is a nonthreatening incompetence.

Law of Computability
Any system or program, however complicated, if looked at in exactly the right way, will become even
more complicated.

Law of Computability Applied to Social Science (Brook's Law)
If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set.

Conference Principle
The speaker with the most monotonous voice speaks after the big meal.

Connolly's Law of Cost Control
The price of any product produced for a government agency will be not less than the square of the
initial Firm Fixed-Price Contract.

Connolly's Rule for Political Incumbents
Short-term success with voters on any side of a given issue can be guaranteed by creating a
long-term special study commission made up of at least three divergent interest groups.

Conrad's Conundrum (Stentson's Law)
Technologie don't transfer.

Considine's Law
Whenever one word or letter can change the entire meaning of a sentence, the probability of an
error being made will be in direct proportion to the embarrassment it will cause.

Consultation Law
The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.

Law of Consumer Economics
If the shoe fits, it's ugly. If it's good, they discontinue it.

Conway's Law
In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must
be fired.

Conway's Law #1
If you assign N persons to write a compiler you'll get a N-1 pass compiler.

Conway's Law #2
In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must
be fired.

Cook's Law
Much work, much food; little work, little food; no work, burial at sea.

Cook's Laws of Travel
1.When packing for a vacation, take half as much clothing and twice as much money.
2.Nothing can be done in one trip.
3.If you have the time, you won't have the money. If you have the money you won't have the time.

Cooke's Law
In any decisive situation, the amount of relevant information available is inversely proportional to the
importance of the decision.

Coolidge's Immutable Observation
When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.

Cooper's Law
All machines are amplifiers.

Cooper's Metalaw
A proliferation of new laws creates a proliferation of new loopholes.

Corcoroni's Laws of Bus Transportation
1.The bus that left the stop just before you got there is your bus.
2.The amount of time you have to wait for a bus is directly proportional to the inclemency of the
weather.
3.All buses heading in the opposite direction drive off the face of the earth and never return.
4.The last rush-hour express bus to your neighborhood leaves five minutes before you get off work.
5.Bus schedules are arranged so your bus will arrive at the transfer point precisely one minute after
the connecting bus has left.
6.Any bus that can be the wrong bus will be the wrong bus. All others are out of service or full.

Cornuelle's Law
Authority tends to assign jobs to those least able to do them.

Law of Correctibility
No matter how well you perform your job, a superior will seek to modify the results.

Corry's Law
Paper is always strongest at the perforations.

Cosmetologist's Principle
Whenever you need to stop at a light to put on makeup, every light will be green.

Courtois's Rule
If people listened to themselves more often, they'd talk less.

Crane's Law (Friedman's Reiteration)
There ain't no such thing as a free lunch. ("tanstaafl")

Crane's Rule
There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do
it.

Cripp's Law
When traveling with children on one's holidays, at least one child of any number of children will
request a rest room stop exactly halfway between any two given rest areas.

Cropp's Law
The amount of work done varies inversely with the amount of time spent in the office.

Culshaw's First Principle of Recorded Sound
Anything, no matter how bad, will sound good if played back at a very high level for a short time.

Cutler Webster's Law
There are two sides to every argument unless a man is personally involved, in which case there is
only one.

Law of Cybernetic Entomology
There's always one more bug.

Czecinski's Conclusion
There is only one thing worse than dreaming you are at a conference and waking to find that you are
at a conference, and that is the conference where you can't fall asleep.