Murphy's toddlers laws
* When you need to carry a child they will want to walk.
* When you want them to walk they will want to be carried.
* When you bring the stroller they will want to walk.
* When you forget the stroller they will want to ride.
* The more potential a food has for stains the greater the coverage area when it is hurled by a child.
Corollary: The more potential a food has for stains the more expensive the item of clothing/fabric/furniture it strikes.
The corollary was sent by Grotblik
* A child's favorite one day is never a favorite the next day (especially food).
* The intensity of the tantrum is directly proportional to the amount of people around to witness.
* If it's mine it's mine,
if it's yours it's mine,
if I like it is mine,
if I can take it from you it is mine,
if I am playing with something ALL of the pieces are mine,
if I think it is mine it is,
if I saw it first it's mine,
if I had it then put it down it is still mine,
if you had it then you put it down it is now mine,
if it looks like the one I have at home it is mine,
if it is broken it is yours.
* If I make a mess you must clean it up
* If I broke it, its your fault
The last two laws were sent by Rose Wassef
* The louder you speak and the more you repeat something is inversely proportional to the amount of information taken in.
* Soccer, Dance, Basketball, Softball, Piano, Girl(Boy)Scouts (etc.) is always on the same day with less then 5 minutes between.
* The more preparation time for the meal the less likely a child is to eat it.
* As soon as the snow suit, and all of the paraphernalia that accompanies, is on the child will have to use the bathroom.
* As soon as the child is in the car and the car has left the driveway the child will have to use the bathroom.
* The clothes/shoes you bought last week will not fit this week or will not be "cool" enough for this week.
* The amount of sound from the other room is inversely proportional to the amount of trouble the child is getting into.
* The more you paid for the car seat the more the child will hate it.
* When you are in a hurry the child will dawdle.
* The greater the importance of the phone call the bigger the mess the child will make or the louder the tantrum the child will have.
Sent by Stacy Robarge
* The availability of daycare is directly proportionate to how badly you need it.
* Your child will always wait until you are fully dressed for work before spilling their food on you.
The last two laws were sent by Acacia Anderson
* The later you let a child stay up at night, the earlier he will wake up in the morning.
Sent by Mary Streeter
* If I hid it well enough it will always be mine
Sent by Jennifer Parkins
* If they hide it under their bed, you will:
o Relocate it when they graduate from high school
o Find it when it begins to rot
Sent by Jerry Duncan
* When leaving the house without an extra set of clothes, they will render the clothes they have on nwearable
Sent by Carletta Sanders from the Successful Homeschooling blog
Source: http://www.murphys-laws.com/
Murphy's cars laws
Murphy's cars laws
* Being dead right doesn't make you any less dead.
* The largest vehicle always has the right of way.
* You're only pulled over when you were just trying to make the light.
* When there are three other cars on the road, the drivers are drunk and there's not a cop in sight.
* Hotrods are never seen, but often heard.
* You finally save up enough to fix your car and you get fired.
* The car only breaks down at the least convenient time. When you car breaks down and it is a small repair, the mechanic has to remove the engine to get to that part.
* No matter how well kept the car, an oil leak will develop.
* When you take your car to a mechanic because it makes a funny sound you will not be able to demonstrate it for the mechanic nor will you be able to describe.
* Washing your car constitutes a rain dance to the raining gods.
All the laws above were sent by Natalie.
Corollary: washing a car to make it rain will cause a drought.
Corollary sent by Darren
* There's always parking space when driving a 4X4.
Sent by Hein Traag
* If your working under the hood of a car and drop something, it will always roll the middle of the car and just out of reach.
Sent by Butch
Corollary: Unless there is a floor drain.
Corollary sent by David G. Showers
* The temperature of vinyl seat covers is inversely proportional to the length of your skirt or shorts.
Sent by Frepp
* The cleaner the windscreen, the stronger the magnetism to insects.
Corollary:
Within one minute after you exit the carwash, a huge insect will splotch on your windscreen.
Sent by Zain
* When you waive the extra insurance, your rental car will be vandalized.
* After your rental car has been vandalized, the replacement will be broken into - probably on the same day.
The last two laws were sent by Floris Kleijne who says they may not be the most eloquent Murphy's laws, but they happened... (in Ireland, earlier this year)
* The car dealer always works-up a great payment plan for the car they know you need but can't afford.
Sent by Skwirl
* Your Car Keys are always in the pocket of the hand that is fullest.
Sent by Stan NZ
* Your kid will fell asleep in the car 5 minutes before you arrive to your destination.
* A flat will occur during the heaviest downpour after dark
David Poole adds: on the side of the car that is closest to the traffic speeding past
* The later you are running, the greater the chance of hitting every red light in your path.
* The later you are running, the slower the people in front of you, and on any accessible side are going to drive.
* The less you want to be somewhere, the more likely every light will be green and traffic clear.
The last three laws were sent by Marisa Booth
* If you're stuck in a traffic jam and you move to the fast lane it will become the slowest lane, if you'll move back, that lane will stand still.
Sent by Or Gadish
* A flat will occur when you are without a spare.
This will happen after your significant other has reminded you to get one.
She\He will be in the car.
* A flat won't occur while you have spare wheel.
The last two laws were sent by Sanchay
* When driving, and you want to slowdown there will always be a car traveling right behind you.
Sent by Robert Van Sile
* Whenever you are running late on the highway, there will be a semi-truck in each lane to slow down traffic
* If you are late, and stuck in the right hand lane behind a bus, the bus will stop at every stop.
Corollary: It will be a school bus that will makes frequent and sudden stops.
The last two laws were sent by Frank, a.k.a. The Xception
* Murphy's Law of the Open Road
When there is a very long road upon which there is a one-way bridge placed at random, and there are only two cars on that road, it follows that:
o the two cars are going in opposite directions, and
o they will always meet at the bridge.
* Your car never depreciates more as when your neighbor buys a new one.
Sent by John Wish
* Whatever side of the pump you park your car, the tank lid will be on the other side.
Sent by David "The Fish"
* If you're looking in the mirror and all you can see is a Semi's grill, even if you'll hit the brake, you won't stop.
Sent by Timothy Boilard
* There shall be torrential down-pours as you attempt to get to your car; once inside the car, the sky is blue, the birds are chirping and there's a rainbow on the horizon.
Sent by Ana M.
* Rand-eye's law:
Your car will run out of gas where there are no gas stations.
Sent by Drviagra69@aol.com
* By making expensive modifications you increase the gravitational attractions between your car and large objects
* If you treat your car like a racing car, then it will develop expensive racing problems
The last two laws were sent by David Poole
* Regardless of how fast you go, someone behind you is in a hurry.
* Regardless of how fast you go, someone will delay you.
* The probability of 1 and 2 happening simultaneously is directly proportional to the amount of oncoming traffic, inversely proportional to the distance to the next no-passing zone, and directly proportional to the length of the no-passing zone.
The last three laws were sent by Gene Van
* A quiet intersection never has any traffic until you are ready to cross it.
Sent by Jesse Janowiak
* You can drive a car in to any river ford, just don't expect to always be able drive out
Sent by Marc Underwood
* The red light is always longer then the green one
* On a two lane road, no cars will come from the opposite direction where the lanes are divided by a white line. However, as soon as it's allowed to bypass, the opposite lane is jammed.
Sent by Pieter Luyt
* The louder the car alarm, the more likely everyone but the owner will hear it.
Sent by Dave Sharma
* If you're late for work, every traffic light is Red.
Sent by Airbornemonty
* The vehicle with most mass has automatic right of way
* The oldest or cheapest vehicle has automatic right of way
* The vehicle which has been in the most collisions has automatic right of way
* The vehicle with the cheapest insurance deductible has automatic right of way
* The vehicle with the largest driver has automatic right of way
* The vehicle with the most firearms on board (either factual or suspected) has automatic right of way
* Vehicles providing essential services, such as beer delivery trucks, have automatic right of way
The last seven laws were sent by Anthony Kenny
* If there is no traffic there will be roadwork
Sent by Montagumonty@aol.com
* Any driver in front of you will immediately lose the ability to drive their car
Sent by Mike Berneathy
* No matter the length of warranty coverage, on the day that the warranty expires the car will break down
* At the exact moment that your car insurance lapses, the probability of being involved in an accident increases exponentially
* Even if you never smoke, eat, or drink in your vehicle there will be mysterious stains on the carpet and/or upholstery at the time of trade in
The last three laws were sent by Shana
* No matter how many times over a vehicle's appearance is checked before returning it after service, paint job or wash, the owner will detect a huge, obvious flaw immediatly
* The probability of damaging a borrowed vehicle is directly proportional to how sensitive the owner is about it
* Any given mechanical job you decide to solve alone will imminently require a third hand, at its most critical moment
The last three laws were sent by Ing. David Contreras-Sáez
When in a hurry, every light is red, when you are in no particular rush, every light is green
* Sent by Katie Ellen Stone The more you worry - The bigger the Ding
Sent by Brian
Source: http://www.murphys-laws.com/
* Being dead right doesn't make you any less dead.
* The largest vehicle always has the right of way.
* You're only pulled over when you were just trying to make the light.
* When there are three other cars on the road, the drivers are drunk and there's not a cop in sight.
* Hotrods are never seen, but often heard.
* You finally save up enough to fix your car and you get fired.
* The car only breaks down at the least convenient time. When you car breaks down and it is a small repair, the mechanic has to remove the engine to get to that part.
* No matter how well kept the car, an oil leak will develop.
* When you take your car to a mechanic because it makes a funny sound you will not be able to demonstrate it for the mechanic nor will you be able to describe.
* Washing your car constitutes a rain dance to the raining gods.
All the laws above were sent by Natalie.
Corollary: washing a car to make it rain will cause a drought.
Corollary sent by Darren
* There's always parking space when driving a 4X4.
Sent by Hein Traag
* If your working under the hood of a car and drop something, it will always roll the middle of the car and just out of reach.
Sent by Butch
Corollary: Unless there is a floor drain.
Corollary sent by David G. Showers
* The temperature of vinyl seat covers is inversely proportional to the length of your skirt or shorts.
Sent by Frepp
* The cleaner the windscreen, the stronger the magnetism to insects.
Corollary:
Within one minute after you exit the carwash, a huge insect will splotch on your windscreen.
Sent by Zain
* When you waive the extra insurance, your rental car will be vandalized.
* After your rental car has been vandalized, the replacement will be broken into - probably on the same day.
The last two laws were sent by Floris Kleijne who says they may not be the most eloquent Murphy's laws, but they happened... (in Ireland, earlier this year)
* The car dealer always works-up a great payment plan for the car they know you need but can't afford.
Sent by Skwirl
* Your Car Keys are always in the pocket of the hand that is fullest.
Sent by Stan NZ
* Your kid will fell asleep in the car 5 minutes before you arrive to your destination.
* A flat will occur during the heaviest downpour after dark
David Poole adds: on the side of the car that is closest to the traffic speeding past
* The later you are running, the greater the chance of hitting every red light in your path.
* The later you are running, the slower the people in front of you, and on any accessible side are going to drive.
* The less you want to be somewhere, the more likely every light will be green and traffic clear.
The last three laws were sent by Marisa Booth
* If you're stuck in a traffic jam and you move to the fast lane it will become the slowest lane, if you'll move back, that lane will stand still.
Sent by Or Gadish
* A flat will occur when you are without a spare.
This will happen after your significant other has reminded you to get one.
She\He will be in the car.
* A flat won't occur while you have spare wheel.
The last two laws were sent by Sanchay
* When driving, and you want to slowdown there will always be a car traveling right behind you.
Sent by Robert Van Sile
* Whenever you are running late on the highway, there will be a semi-truck in each lane to slow down traffic
* If you are late, and stuck in the right hand lane behind a bus, the bus will stop at every stop.
Corollary: It will be a school bus that will makes frequent and sudden stops.
The last two laws were sent by Frank, a.k.a. The Xception
* Murphy's Law of the Open Road
When there is a very long road upon which there is a one-way bridge placed at random, and there are only two cars on that road, it follows that:
o the two cars are going in opposite directions, and
o they will always meet at the bridge.
* Your car never depreciates more as when your neighbor buys a new one.
Sent by John Wish
* Whatever side of the pump you park your car, the tank lid will be on the other side.
Sent by David "The Fish"
* If you're looking in the mirror and all you can see is a Semi's grill, even if you'll hit the brake, you won't stop.
Sent by Timothy Boilard
* There shall be torrential down-pours as you attempt to get to your car; once inside the car, the sky is blue, the birds are chirping and there's a rainbow on the horizon.
Sent by Ana M.
* Rand-eye's law:
Your car will run out of gas where there are no gas stations.
Sent by Drviagra69@aol.com
* By making expensive modifications you increase the gravitational attractions between your car and large objects
* If you treat your car like a racing car, then it will develop expensive racing problems
The last two laws were sent by David Poole
* Regardless of how fast you go, someone behind you is in a hurry.
* Regardless of how fast you go, someone will delay you.
* The probability of 1 and 2 happening simultaneously is directly proportional to the amount of oncoming traffic, inversely proportional to the distance to the next no-passing zone, and directly proportional to the length of the no-passing zone.
The last three laws were sent by Gene Van
* A quiet intersection never has any traffic until you are ready to cross it.
Sent by Jesse Janowiak
* You can drive a car in to any river ford, just don't expect to always be able drive out
Sent by Marc Underwood
* The red light is always longer then the green one
* On a two lane road, no cars will come from the opposite direction where the lanes are divided by a white line. However, as soon as it's allowed to bypass, the opposite lane is jammed.
Sent by Pieter Luyt
* The louder the car alarm, the more likely everyone but the owner will hear it.
Sent by Dave Sharma
* If you're late for work, every traffic light is Red.
Sent by Airbornemonty
* The vehicle with most mass has automatic right of way
* The oldest or cheapest vehicle has automatic right of way
* The vehicle which has been in the most collisions has automatic right of way
* The vehicle with the cheapest insurance deductible has automatic right of way
* The vehicle with the largest driver has automatic right of way
* The vehicle with the most firearms on board (either factual or suspected) has automatic right of way
* Vehicles providing essential services, such as beer delivery trucks, have automatic right of way
The last seven laws were sent by Anthony Kenny
* If there is no traffic there will be roadwork
Sent by Montagumonty@aol.com
* Any driver in front of you will immediately lose the ability to drive their car
Sent by Mike Berneathy
* No matter the length of warranty coverage, on the day that the warranty expires the car will break down
* At the exact moment that your car insurance lapses, the probability of being involved in an accident increases exponentially
* Even if you never smoke, eat, or drink in your vehicle there will be mysterious stains on the carpet and/or upholstery at the time of trade in
The last three laws were sent by Shana
* No matter how many times over a vehicle's appearance is checked before returning it after service, paint job or wash, the owner will detect a huge, obvious flaw immediatly
* The probability of damaging a borrowed vehicle is directly proportional to how sensitive the owner is about it
* Any given mechanical job you decide to solve alone will imminently require a third hand, at its most critical moment
The last three laws were sent by Ing. David Contreras-Sáez
When in a hurry, every light is red, when you are in no particular rush, every light is green
* Sent by Katie Ellen Stone The more you worry - The bigger the Ding
Sent by Brian
Source: http://www.murphys-laws.com/
Murphy's cowboy action shooting (CAS) laws
Murphy's cowboy action shooting (CAS) laws
Most cowboys know of Murphy’s Law, what they may not know is that Murphy, in his wisdom, wrote his law's for CAS long before it came into existence.
Back then CAS wasn’t yet a proven science or art form like it is today and things could actually go wrong with firearms, ammo, stage props, spurs, etc. and some cowboys, as hard as it is the believe, actually missed.
It was for these reasons that Capt. Murphy wrote his famous law's for Cowboy Action Shooting. They are listed below in no particular order so-whatever.
* No matter how the plate is positioned, fragment will always reflect forward towards the stage.
* The most expensive and hard to find (38-40/32-20) cartridges will always land forward of the firing line.
* No matter which side the buckle is on; spurs can be put on backwards and upside down.
* If it’s dark outside boots will always go on the wrong feet.
* If it’s daylight outside boots will always go on the wrong feet.
* The whiter the hat the deeper the mud hole that it falls into.
* Feet will always swell on the night of the banquet when you have on your tight fitting, dress boots.
* If stopped by a cop for a broken tail light on the way to a meet the first thing he will always ask is; are there any weapons in the car?
* All cops who stop cowboys going to or from a meet never have a sense of western humor.
* Don’t ever try and joke around with a cop when you are transporting 8+ guns and 1000+ rounds of ammo to or from a Club called, Vigilante Colt Justice Shooting Club.
* Under the above mentioned laws always try substituting - Old Western Texas Poets Sonneteer Society for Vigilante Colt Justice Shooting Club.
* The first time you’re running real late is the first time the safety meeting will actually start on time.
* A secure, drop proof, gun holster really isn’t
* The time you locate that gun you’ve always wanted at a price far below market value for cash only right then is the time you will have forgotten to visit ATM before leaving home and the two pards behind you will be waving greenbacks at the seller.
* When it’s time to leave for the airport to your first EOT, and all your pards are waiting in the is car, that’s the time the safe will refuse to open and the only safe/lock smith within 50 miles is on vacation and your CAS friend, Yellow Dog Tick, will be fresh out of dynamite.
* Green, pink & yellow really do make a smart looking cowboy outfit for pards, pardettes & horses.
* Green, pink & yellow dress suit not a good choice for work, church, weddings, trial, funerals, job interviews, etc.
* If you say anything at all to a cowboy with blue hair, orange beard, wearing green, pink & yellow outfit it would be in your best interest to tell him he’s a right handsome looking buckaroo vaquero.
* If you call an armed cowboy a buckaroo, be absolutely sure that the B doesn’t sound like a V or F.
* A cowboy packing two Colts and carrying a double can wear any thing he dang well pleases.
* Osauma Ben Lauden has never seen the movie, “The Wild Bunch.”
* One flat bed trailer loaded with armed cowboys really can depose Castro on Friday, Sadam Hussain on Saturday with time left over for a banquet Saturday night on the Rivera.
* The game of “Cowboys and al Qaeda” has never been played.
* Ear plugs will be instantly remembered after the first report of a 26+ round stage shot inside a small building.
* A timer reading showing a negative number proves that cowboys really can go faster than the speed of light which makes Einstein a waddy.
* Stealth Bullets only work in stealth guns on a stealth stage being shot by a stealth cowboy or cowgirl.
* If the last shot for a clean match is a mandatory knock down, when hit, it will never go down.
* If you are winning the match with a stock Ruger and ahead by. 25sec., on the last shot the hammer will always slip.
* You always know it’s time to stop reloading and come to bed when your wife calls out for a DQ for failure to engage.
* The cost of a real Colt always equals two or more (2) SS checks.
* No matter how many carts you have, you will always have the urge to build just one more.
* No matter how many carts you have made that were based on years of CAS experience, some new pard on his first time out will have a better one.
* Gun carts are addictive, the only known cure is to build a factory and hire help for the mass production of your last and perfect cart.
* No cart is ever perfect.
* No matter how wide the tread and how big the tires, your cart will tip over at Tin Star Ranch.
* Cowboys and boys who ice.
* skate and dance to show tunes are the only real men authorized to wear rhinestones.
* If you carry oxygen for a pick-me-up before stage time, some fool will always use it to strike a match on to light his cigar.
* Modern day cowboys really don’t roll their own. (think about it)
* Modern day cowboys really do yell, YAHOO DOT COM.
* The cost of new CB equipment will always equal your checking account balance.
* If you ask the cost of playing CAS you probably can’t afford it.
* No matter how many times they are cycled at home, New guns will always lock up at first match.
* No matter how many times they are cycled at home, used guns will always lock up at first match.
* All guns, no matter how many $$$$ spent on them for action jobs, will always lock up.
* Action jobs really aren’t.
* If used, sun block will always get into your eyes while shooting the longest and most difficult stage.
* If used, Sun block will always get into your eyes.
* Your expensive, new safety shooting glasses will never have the right correction for CAS work.
* If the stage calls for a reload off body, your extra bullet will always be on your cart.
* If stage calls for extra bullet to be loaded off your body, that will be the one you drop and the only one in that caliber that you have on you.
* If stage calls for reloading off you body, the first and sometimes the second cartridge you pull out of your pouch will always be the wrong caliber.
* When the above happens the cowboy will always try and load it anyway.
* The wrong caliber for you rifle will not chamber but it will always fit thru the loading gate and jam under the carrier.
* 38 caliber bullets will go thru the loading gate of a W32-20 rifle and jam.
* 45 long Colts will go thru the loading gate of a 45-70 and jam.
* You can always ID a Marlin man by the screw drivers he carries in his ammo belt loops.
* Screws on a Marlin really can’t be over stressed.
* Screws on a Winchester that are over stressed will always strip out.
* Lock tight really isn’t.
* Secure, fail proof, Tang sights will always fall down.
* If the stage calls for 10 rifle rounds the rifle will always jam on first round.
* f the rifle is the first gun to be used on a stage it will always jam on the second round.
* Your spare gun will never work when needed for that purpose.
* Modern day Stag grips really aren’t.
* Modern day real ivory grips really aren’t.
* Hard wood grips will crack the first time the gun is mishandled.
* Grips guaranteed to fit really don’t.
* Clean black powder really isn’t.
* A 42 inch gun belt can never be stretched far enough to fit around a 48 inch waist.
* Loose gun belts will always fall off going down stage steps while on the timer.
* All BP shooters by nature have really small, tight nipples.
* With age all BP shooters will have large nipples that sag.
* All CB guns have the inherent ability to be staged unloaded.
* There really are stage gremlins who move your guns, takes rounds out of them or put more in, rigs props to not work and who move targets out of harms way just as the trigger is pulled.
* Don’t ever try to shoot a stage gremlin, they smell real bad.
* A hair trigger really isn’t.
* Peep sights don’t.
* Peep sights will always fill up with crud.
* If you run out of shots shells on a stage and a cowboy hands you his, they will always be the wrong gauge.
* Cowboys are the only known Homo sapiens who can laugh out loud at themselves and not be considered committable.
* The only thing a cowboy loves more than his horse is another horse.
* Don’t ever kiss another cowboys horse, he will not like it and they tend to kick.
* After feeling the finish on a CBs gun it would be best not to tell him; it’s as soft as a babies butt.
* Don’t ever talk harsh about a cowboys Mother, dog, truck, bass boat, horse, collection of guns or his selection of chew.
* No CB has ever admitted being a Democrat.
* All CB shooters are proven, professional gamblers.
* Betting on a stage is always a sucker’s bet.
* All cowboys like to gamble, even when they know they can’t win.
* Cowboys never have money to gamble with; on the way into town.
* Their horse won it all.
* In 5-card draw always count the cards six times before accusing an armed CB of holding more than 5, that way you’ll have a better feel and appreciation for the number 6.
* Cowboys and boys who skate and dance to show tunes are the only real men authorized to wear rhinestones.
* Storm proof tents used for SAS camping really aren’t.
* All CAS tents leak and the leak will always be directly above the bedding material of the tenants or his guns.
* An RV transporting 6 cowboys and their equipment to an annual CAS meet is really an RT - Rolling Thunder.
* 38s really aren’t wimp loads unless you actually shoot a wimp.
* Don’t ever shoot a wimp; they will not die and will just lie there and whine, cry, moan, groan and carry on forever.
* 38s really aren’t mouse guns; their hands are too small to reach the trigger.
* Horse blinders really don’t.
* All cowboys who wear a shot shell, bra belt also know all the Broadway show tunes.
* All cowboys who insist on wearing a shot shell bra belt will always be wearing rhinestones or sequins and have shinny guns with mother of pearl grips.
* Gen. George Patton really did say that about pearl grips and it‘s true.
* Elvis, dressed like a cowboy in white leather, really has been seen at EOT.
* If you think you saw Elvis at EOT dressed in white leather, he really was there and ten cowboys will back you up no matter what.
* If you’re absolutely positive that you saw slick willie (BC) at a SASS meet dressed as a cowboy packin’ heat, always keep it to yourself and never mention it; cowboys don‘t cotton to crazy people.
* No matter how good you are with a long-range rifle, you can never hit the Marfa, Texas lights.
* Only cowboys can wear yellow leather boots and not get noticed real hard.
* All cowboys wearing yellow, leather boots, study the ground real hard before dismounting.
* Spurs really do help in obtaining more traction for action.
* Just like guns, spurs really can lock up.
* Cross draw holsters tend to make a cowboy a switch hitter or a good Broadway dancer.
* Two holsters worn on same side always makes a cowboy a switch hitter.
* Not all cowboys can operate a jig but they all know how to dance to one.
* If MapQuest shows the range to be north of interchange xxx, it will always be south, requiring another 15 minutes to next interchange turn around.
* The night before you leave you will always loose you CAS Checklist for stuff to “Not Forget.”
* All computers are biased against cowboys and will always dump whatever it was you were saving for CAS work; Bill designed them that way.
* On any other day, you can't stay awake long enough to finish watching the news, but the night before a CAS shoot you will always not be able to sleep even if you were hit over the head with the butt end of your shooting irons!
* Squib loads really aren‘t made by Squib.
* No matter how many months the fantastic hamburger griller has sold lunches at your home range, he will never be there when you forgot your lunch.
* No matter how carefully you load your ammo, the stage with the one chance only, 30 second bonus will always be a dud.
* The cinch will break on the saddle.
* Bridle’s don’t belong in the honeymoon suite unless the Bride is really weird.
* Cowboys should never invite their horse into the Brides bedroom, see above.
* The slicked up rifle action job that feels so good dry firing at home will never eject shells during the match and if it does they will go into your eye or over your safety glasses and down your collar.
* That new, big, expensive, cowboy hat will always obscure your vision of the front sights of your rifle, but you will look good wearing it.
* Puncture proof, pneumatic tires on your cart really aren’t.
* If you use hard rubber tires they will fall off.
* If you spend an extra ordinary amount of time developing a list of things NOT to forget when going to the upcoming Regional or National match, the day of packing for the match, you will have lost the list.
* If your CAS list is on your computer it will never give it up without a knock down, drag out, USB fight.
* After laying out everything in preparation for the next day's match, including the new.38 pistols & rifle, you will always, out of habit, grab the .45 ammo!
* If you forget or pack the wrong ammo, that will always be the caliber the club vender will be out of.
* When needed, the closest Wal-Mart will always be in the next county.
* If your rifle and handguns are not the same caliber you will always get them mixed up at least once. The harder your rifle is to dismantle the more likely and often this is to happen.
* An easy shot really isn’t.
* The only time an easy shot can be called easy is after it’s been hit.
* Golf carts used as gun carts are still golf carts and we all know what that means.
* Clay birds launched from a taut spring are going about 60MPH. A driven golf ball travels about 250MPH. Don’t ever bet that you can hit a golf ball with a shot gun before dark unless you really don’t need that shoulder any more.
* Electric powered gun carts don’t really need push handles.
* The battery on an electric cart will always go dead at the stage furthest away from your vehicle.
* Gun safes really aren’t.
* A safe gun is really an oxymoron.
* Only morons consider a safe gun exclusively safe.
* Mulligan’s in CAS do not exist and should never be called out by the shooter.
* And last but not least, All cowboys really do have more fun.
Source: http://www.murphys-laws.com/
Most cowboys know of Murphy’s Law, what they may not know is that Murphy, in his wisdom, wrote his law's for CAS long before it came into existence.
Back then CAS wasn’t yet a proven science or art form like it is today and things could actually go wrong with firearms, ammo, stage props, spurs, etc. and some cowboys, as hard as it is the believe, actually missed.
It was for these reasons that Capt. Murphy wrote his famous law's for Cowboy Action Shooting. They are listed below in no particular order so-whatever.
* No matter how the plate is positioned, fragment will always reflect forward towards the stage.
* The most expensive and hard to find (38-40/32-20) cartridges will always land forward of the firing line.
* No matter which side the buckle is on; spurs can be put on backwards and upside down.
* If it’s dark outside boots will always go on the wrong feet.
* If it’s daylight outside boots will always go on the wrong feet.
* The whiter the hat the deeper the mud hole that it falls into.
* Feet will always swell on the night of the banquet when you have on your tight fitting, dress boots.
* If stopped by a cop for a broken tail light on the way to a meet the first thing he will always ask is; are there any weapons in the car?
* All cops who stop cowboys going to or from a meet never have a sense of western humor.
* Don’t ever try and joke around with a cop when you are transporting 8+ guns and 1000+ rounds of ammo to or from a Club called, Vigilante Colt Justice Shooting Club.
* Under the above mentioned laws always try substituting - Old Western Texas Poets Sonneteer Society for Vigilante Colt Justice Shooting Club.
* The first time you’re running real late is the first time the safety meeting will actually start on time.
* A secure, drop proof, gun holster really isn’t
* The time you locate that gun you’ve always wanted at a price far below market value for cash only right then is the time you will have forgotten to visit ATM before leaving home and the two pards behind you will be waving greenbacks at the seller.
* When it’s time to leave for the airport to your first EOT, and all your pards are waiting in the is car, that’s the time the safe will refuse to open and the only safe/lock smith within 50 miles is on vacation and your CAS friend, Yellow Dog Tick, will be fresh out of dynamite.
* Green, pink & yellow really do make a smart looking cowboy outfit for pards, pardettes & horses.
* Green, pink & yellow dress suit not a good choice for work, church, weddings, trial, funerals, job interviews, etc.
* If you say anything at all to a cowboy with blue hair, orange beard, wearing green, pink & yellow outfit it would be in your best interest to tell him he’s a right handsome looking buckaroo vaquero.
* If you call an armed cowboy a buckaroo, be absolutely sure that the B doesn’t sound like a V or F.
* A cowboy packing two Colts and carrying a double can wear any thing he dang well pleases.
* Osauma Ben Lauden has never seen the movie, “The Wild Bunch.”
* One flat bed trailer loaded with armed cowboys really can depose Castro on Friday, Sadam Hussain on Saturday with time left over for a banquet Saturday night on the Rivera.
* The game of “Cowboys and al Qaeda” has never been played.
* Ear plugs will be instantly remembered after the first report of a 26+ round stage shot inside a small building.
* A timer reading showing a negative number proves that cowboys really can go faster than the speed of light which makes Einstein a waddy.
* Stealth Bullets only work in stealth guns on a stealth stage being shot by a stealth cowboy or cowgirl.
* If the last shot for a clean match is a mandatory knock down, when hit, it will never go down.
* If you are winning the match with a stock Ruger and ahead by. 25sec., on the last shot the hammer will always slip.
* You always know it’s time to stop reloading and come to bed when your wife calls out for a DQ for failure to engage.
* The cost of a real Colt always equals two or more (2) SS checks.
* No matter how many carts you have, you will always have the urge to build just one more.
* No matter how many carts you have made that were based on years of CAS experience, some new pard on his first time out will have a better one.
* Gun carts are addictive, the only known cure is to build a factory and hire help for the mass production of your last and perfect cart.
* No cart is ever perfect.
* No matter how wide the tread and how big the tires, your cart will tip over at Tin Star Ranch.
* Cowboys and boys who ice.
* skate and dance to show tunes are the only real men authorized to wear rhinestones.
* If you carry oxygen for a pick-me-up before stage time, some fool will always use it to strike a match on to light his cigar.
* Modern day cowboys really don’t roll their own. (think about it)
* Modern day cowboys really do yell, YAHOO DOT COM.
* The cost of new CB equipment will always equal your checking account balance.
* If you ask the cost of playing CAS you probably can’t afford it.
* No matter how many times they are cycled at home, New guns will always lock up at first match.
* No matter how many times they are cycled at home, used guns will always lock up at first match.
* All guns, no matter how many $$$$ spent on them for action jobs, will always lock up.
* Action jobs really aren’t.
* If used, sun block will always get into your eyes while shooting the longest and most difficult stage.
* If used, Sun block will always get into your eyes.
* Your expensive, new safety shooting glasses will never have the right correction for CAS work.
* If the stage calls for a reload off body, your extra bullet will always be on your cart.
* If stage calls for extra bullet to be loaded off your body, that will be the one you drop and the only one in that caliber that you have on you.
* If stage calls for reloading off you body, the first and sometimes the second cartridge you pull out of your pouch will always be the wrong caliber.
* When the above happens the cowboy will always try and load it anyway.
* The wrong caliber for you rifle will not chamber but it will always fit thru the loading gate and jam under the carrier.
* 38 caliber bullets will go thru the loading gate of a W32-20 rifle and jam.
* 45 long Colts will go thru the loading gate of a 45-70 and jam.
* You can always ID a Marlin man by the screw drivers he carries in his ammo belt loops.
* Screws on a Marlin really can’t be over stressed.
* Screws on a Winchester that are over stressed will always strip out.
* Lock tight really isn’t.
* Secure, fail proof, Tang sights will always fall down.
* If the stage calls for 10 rifle rounds the rifle will always jam on first round.
* f the rifle is the first gun to be used on a stage it will always jam on the second round.
* Your spare gun will never work when needed for that purpose.
* Modern day Stag grips really aren’t.
* Modern day real ivory grips really aren’t.
* Hard wood grips will crack the first time the gun is mishandled.
* Grips guaranteed to fit really don’t.
* Clean black powder really isn’t.
* A 42 inch gun belt can never be stretched far enough to fit around a 48 inch waist.
* Loose gun belts will always fall off going down stage steps while on the timer.
* All BP shooters by nature have really small, tight nipples.
* With age all BP shooters will have large nipples that sag.
* All CB guns have the inherent ability to be staged unloaded.
* There really are stage gremlins who move your guns, takes rounds out of them or put more in, rigs props to not work and who move targets out of harms way just as the trigger is pulled.
* Don’t ever try to shoot a stage gremlin, they smell real bad.
* A hair trigger really isn’t.
* Peep sights don’t.
* Peep sights will always fill up with crud.
* If you run out of shots shells on a stage and a cowboy hands you his, they will always be the wrong gauge.
* Cowboys are the only known Homo sapiens who can laugh out loud at themselves and not be considered committable.
* The only thing a cowboy loves more than his horse is another horse.
* Don’t ever kiss another cowboys horse, he will not like it and they tend to kick.
* After feeling the finish on a CBs gun it would be best not to tell him; it’s as soft as a babies butt.
* Don’t ever talk harsh about a cowboys Mother, dog, truck, bass boat, horse, collection of guns or his selection of chew.
* No CB has ever admitted being a Democrat.
* All CB shooters are proven, professional gamblers.
* Betting on a stage is always a sucker’s bet.
* All cowboys like to gamble, even when they know they can’t win.
* Cowboys never have money to gamble with; on the way into town.
* Their horse won it all.
* In 5-card draw always count the cards six times before accusing an armed CB of holding more than 5, that way you’ll have a better feel and appreciation for the number 6.
* Cowboys and boys who skate and dance to show tunes are the only real men authorized to wear rhinestones.
* Storm proof tents used for SAS camping really aren’t.
* All CAS tents leak and the leak will always be directly above the bedding material of the tenants or his guns.
* An RV transporting 6 cowboys and their equipment to an annual CAS meet is really an RT - Rolling Thunder.
* 38s really aren’t wimp loads unless you actually shoot a wimp.
* Don’t ever shoot a wimp; they will not die and will just lie there and whine, cry, moan, groan and carry on forever.
* 38s really aren’t mouse guns; their hands are too small to reach the trigger.
* Horse blinders really don’t.
* All cowboys who wear a shot shell, bra belt also know all the Broadway show tunes.
* All cowboys who insist on wearing a shot shell bra belt will always be wearing rhinestones or sequins and have shinny guns with mother of pearl grips.
* Gen. George Patton really did say that about pearl grips and it‘s true.
* Elvis, dressed like a cowboy in white leather, really has been seen at EOT.
* If you think you saw Elvis at EOT dressed in white leather, he really was there and ten cowboys will back you up no matter what.
* If you’re absolutely positive that you saw slick willie (BC) at a SASS meet dressed as a cowboy packin’ heat, always keep it to yourself and never mention it; cowboys don‘t cotton to crazy people.
* No matter how good you are with a long-range rifle, you can never hit the Marfa, Texas lights.
* Only cowboys can wear yellow leather boots and not get noticed real hard.
* All cowboys wearing yellow, leather boots, study the ground real hard before dismounting.
* Spurs really do help in obtaining more traction for action.
* Just like guns, spurs really can lock up.
* Cross draw holsters tend to make a cowboy a switch hitter or a good Broadway dancer.
* Two holsters worn on same side always makes a cowboy a switch hitter.
* Not all cowboys can operate a jig but they all know how to dance to one.
* If MapQuest shows the range to be north of interchange xxx, it will always be south, requiring another 15 minutes to next interchange turn around.
* The night before you leave you will always loose you CAS Checklist for stuff to “Not Forget.”
* All computers are biased against cowboys and will always dump whatever it was you were saving for CAS work; Bill designed them that way.
* On any other day, you can't stay awake long enough to finish watching the news, but the night before a CAS shoot you will always not be able to sleep even if you were hit over the head with the butt end of your shooting irons!
* Squib loads really aren‘t made by Squib.
* No matter how many months the fantastic hamburger griller has sold lunches at your home range, he will never be there when you forgot your lunch.
* No matter how carefully you load your ammo, the stage with the one chance only, 30 second bonus will always be a dud.
* The cinch will break on the saddle.
* Bridle’s don’t belong in the honeymoon suite unless the Bride is really weird.
* Cowboys should never invite their horse into the Brides bedroom, see above.
* The slicked up rifle action job that feels so good dry firing at home will never eject shells during the match and if it does they will go into your eye or over your safety glasses and down your collar.
* That new, big, expensive, cowboy hat will always obscure your vision of the front sights of your rifle, but you will look good wearing it.
* Puncture proof, pneumatic tires on your cart really aren’t.
* If you use hard rubber tires they will fall off.
* If you spend an extra ordinary amount of time developing a list of things NOT to forget when going to the upcoming Regional or National match, the day of packing for the match, you will have lost the list.
* If your CAS list is on your computer it will never give it up without a knock down, drag out, USB fight.
* After laying out everything in preparation for the next day's match, including the new.38 pistols & rifle, you will always, out of habit, grab the .45 ammo!
* If you forget or pack the wrong ammo, that will always be the caliber the club vender will be out of.
* When needed, the closest Wal-Mart will always be in the next county.
* If your rifle and handguns are not the same caliber you will always get them mixed up at least once. The harder your rifle is to dismantle the more likely and often this is to happen.
* An easy shot really isn’t.
* The only time an easy shot can be called easy is after it’s been hit.
* Golf carts used as gun carts are still golf carts and we all know what that means.
* Clay birds launched from a taut spring are going about 60MPH. A driven golf ball travels about 250MPH. Don’t ever bet that you can hit a golf ball with a shot gun before dark unless you really don’t need that shoulder any more.
* Electric powered gun carts don’t really need push handles.
* The battery on an electric cart will always go dead at the stage furthest away from your vehicle.
* Gun safes really aren’t.
* A safe gun is really an oxymoron.
* Only morons consider a safe gun exclusively safe.
* Mulligan’s in CAS do not exist and should never be called out by the shooter.
* And last but not least, All cowboys really do have more fun.
Source: http://www.murphys-laws.com/
Murphy's lotto laws
Murphy's lotto laws
* You check the paper and find that you have all six numbers, but then you find the newspaper misprinted two of the numbers.
* The Jackpot gets to $40,000,000 and the numbers match all the numbers on your lotto slip, but you forgot to buy your ticket.
* The Jackpot gets to $40,000,000 and you finally win, then you find out 3,000 other people also won first place.
* You match 4 numbers, but you lost your ticket.
* You've been playing the same numbers in the Lotto since it beginning. Then they change the Lotto game saying it's what the people wanted
(You know it's just to make it harder to win so they can make more money).
* The only time you win, it's a pitifully small amount.
* Your spouse wins, then leaves you.
* You finally hit it big, then you find out all the friends you never had.
* You finally hit it big, then you die the same day.
* Whoever wins either is already rich or has won at least once before.
Sent by David "The Fish"
* Lotto is the answer, the only answer.
Sent by Murphy
Source: http://www.murphys-laws.com/
* You check the paper and find that you have all six numbers, but then you find the newspaper misprinted two of the numbers.
* The Jackpot gets to $40,000,000 and the numbers match all the numbers on your lotto slip, but you forgot to buy your ticket.
* The Jackpot gets to $40,000,000 and you finally win, then you find out 3,000 other people also won first place.
* You match 4 numbers, but you lost your ticket.
* You've been playing the same numbers in the Lotto since it beginning. Then they change the Lotto game saying it's what the people wanted
(You know it's just to make it harder to win so they can make more money).
* The only time you win, it's a pitifully small amount.
* Your spouse wins, then leaves you.
* You finally hit it big, then you find out all the friends you never had.
* You finally hit it big, then you die the same day.
* Whoever wins either is already rich or has won at least once before.
Sent by David "The Fish"
* Lotto is the answer, the only answer.
Sent by Murphy
Source: http://www.murphys-laws.com/
Murphy's bus laws
Murphy's bus laws
* If its raining, or cold or both the bus will be late
* If you're running late the bus will be too
* If you think you have lots of time before your bus you read the timetable wrong (or its out of date or both)
* If you're early the bus is late If you're late the bus was early
* The other people at the bus stop are waiting for the bus that has just pulled in
* If you have no change then the bus driver won't have any either
* The customer can be thrown off the bus at any time any explanation necessary
* Two bus for the same place will always pull in together
* The sign at the front of the bus is merely for decoration it is not the destination of the bus
* Waiting for a bus seems to be longer than the journey.
sent by Pradeep S.
* If two or more bus routes go to one stop; at least one of each of the others will arrive before the one you want.
Sent by Rene Chenier
* The bus you plan to take always leaves five minutes before you reach the bus stop. The bus you do take is always ten minutes late.
Sent by what'd ya say?
* The hotter it is outside, bigger the chance there's no air conditioning.
* The first bus from your route will always appear first in the opposite direction.
* If you seem to catch the last bus of the day, it left two minutes earlier.
* The more times you ask the driver to tell you when to get off the bus, the chance he won't tell you is bigger.
The last four laws were sent by The Sorokman
* It seems like a long time you are waiting for the bus, so you pull out a cigarette and light it, then here comes the bus.
Sent by Arthur Caldwell
Or the short version
If you light a cigarette, the bus will come.
Sent by Karacourt@aol.com
Elias Stroulias says it applies to cabs as welll
* If you will light the cigarette in order to hurry up the arrival of the bus, it will be late.
Sent by Yehuda Dodo
* Chat with a pretty girl, or light a cigarette, and the bus will arrive immediately.
Sent by Francoboom
* The bus schedule should be known as one of the most exquisitly creative and vividly imaginary forms of fiction ever devised by man.
Sent by Francoboom
* If you are early, the bus will be late.
Corollary: If you are late, the bus will be on time
Sent by Lonnie McLaughlin
* if you are late to the bus-station, the bus will be on time.
sent by Henk
* If you must take a bus there's a strike.
Sent by dizzy@campus.ie
* Irrespective time and route, the city buses are always crowded
Corollary: Buses traveelling in exactly opposite direction go empty.
swaminathan.p
* The last person on the bus always wants the last stop
* When your behind time you always get every learner driver in front of you and every light is red
* No one has the correct change
* Every dork in the world wants to make stupid conversation and wont get of the bus
The last four laws were sent by pjwmail@ntlworld.com
* When walking to a bus stop, if you'll look back to see if the bus is coming, it won't, if you won't look back, the bus will pass you just as you'll reach the bus stop.
Sent by Edson
* Crystal's Law
If you wait for a bus for a long time, and decide to leave the station, the bus will arrive just as you're too far away to catch it
Sent by DaeDream28@aol.com
* No matter who you sit next too they will start a cell phone conversation about their Boyfriend or Mothers hospital operation
Sent by Anthony Sullivan
* If its raining, or cold or both the bus will be late
* If you're running late the bus will be too
* If you think you have lots of time before your bus you read the timetable wrong (or its out of date or both)
* If you're early the bus is late If you're late the bus was early
* The other people at the bus stop are waiting for the bus that has just pulled in
* If you have no change then the bus driver won't have any either
* The customer can be thrown off the bus at any time any explanation necessary
* Two bus for the same place will always pull in together
* The sign at the front of the bus is merely for decoration it is not the destination of the bus
* Waiting for a bus seems to be longer than the journey.
sent by Pradeep S.
* If two or more bus routes go to one stop; at least one of each of the others will arrive before the one you want.
Sent by Rene Chenier
* The bus you plan to take always leaves five minutes before you reach the bus stop. The bus you do take is always ten minutes late.
Sent by what'd ya say?
* The hotter it is outside, bigger the chance there's no air conditioning.
* The first bus from your route will always appear first in the opposite direction.
* If you seem to catch the last bus of the day, it left two minutes earlier.
* The more times you ask the driver to tell you when to get off the bus, the chance he won't tell you is bigger.
The last four laws were sent by The Sorokman
* It seems like a long time you are waiting for the bus, so you pull out a cigarette and light it, then here comes the bus.
Sent by Arthur Caldwell
Or the short version
If you light a cigarette, the bus will come.
Sent by Karacourt@aol.com
Elias Stroulias says it applies to cabs as welll
* If you will light the cigarette in order to hurry up the arrival of the bus, it will be late.
Sent by Yehuda Dodo
* Chat with a pretty girl, or light a cigarette, and the bus will arrive immediately.
Sent by Francoboom
* The bus schedule should be known as one of the most exquisitly creative and vividly imaginary forms of fiction ever devised by man.
Sent by Francoboom
* If you are early, the bus will be late.
Corollary: If you are late, the bus will be on time
Sent by Lonnie McLaughlin
* if you are late to the bus-station, the bus will be on time.
sent by Henk
* If you must take a bus there's a strike.
Sent by dizzy@campus.ie
* Irrespective time and route, the city buses are always crowded
Corollary: Buses traveelling in exactly opposite direction go empty.
swaminathan.p
* The last person on the bus always wants the last stop
* When your behind time you always get every learner driver in front of you and every light is red
* No one has the correct change
* Every dork in the world wants to make stupid conversation and wont get of the bus
The last four laws were sent by pjwmail@ntlworld.com
* When walking to a bus stop, if you'll look back to see if the bus is coming, it won't, if you won't look back, the bus will pass you just as you'll reach the bus stop.
Sent by Edson
* Crystal's Law
If you wait for a bus for a long time, and decide to leave the station, the bus will arrive just as you're too far away to catch it
Sent by DaeDream28@aol.com
* No matter who you sit next too they will start a cell phone conversation about their Boyfriend or Mothers hospital operation
Sent by Anthony Sullivan
Murphy's nurses laws
Murphy's nurses laws
* When you need the money, your shift is cancelled; when you have a weekend planned, you have to do overtime.
* Realizing the patient you've just injected has a serious infection causes you to stab yourself with the used needle.
* A 500 pound patient needs all care, while your 80 pound patient needs a finger dressing ... and your colleague has a "bad back."
* It's you're first night shift for three years. And it's a full moon.
* You're doing the "Only 27 more minutes of the shift from hell happy-dance", only to turn around to see your supervisor standing there.
* In a critical situation, the most highly qualified clinician will offer the most advice and the least support.
* The absurdity of the suggestion is directly proportional to the distance from the bedside.
* As soon as you finish a thirty minute dressing the doctor will come in, and take a look at the wound.
* The disoriented patient always comes from a Nursing Home whose beautiful paperwork has no phone number on it.
* Your nose will itch the very moment your gloved hands get contaminated with bodily fluids.
* The patient who has been dying all night finally meets his maker 12.5 minutes before shift change.
* You walk out of a patient's room after you've asked them if they need anything: they will put the call bell on as you are about three quarters the way down the hall.
* The patient furthest away from the nurses' station rings the call bell more often than the patient nearest to the nurses' station.
* The doctor with the worst handwriting and most original use of the English Language will be responsible for your most critical patient.
* You always remember "just one more thing" you need after you've gowned, gloved, and masked and gone into that isolation room.
* The correct depth of compression in adult CPR is a bit less than the depth you just reached when you broke those ribs.
* When you cancel extra staff because it's so quiet, you are guaranteed a rash of admissions.
* If you wear a new white uniform, expect to be thrown up on.
Corollary: Residents always poop on your brand new shoes.
* When management smiles at you, be very, very afraid ...
* Staffing will gladly send you three aides--but you have to float two of your RNs.
* As soon as you discontinue the IV line, more fluids will be ordered.
* Mandatory meetings are always scheduled after you've had the night from hell and just want to go home to bed.
* You always forget what it was you wanted after you get to the supply room. You always remember when you get back to the other end ...
* Doctors only ask your name when the patient isn't doing well.
* Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the boss is watching.
* As soon as you've ordered the pizzas, 25 patients show up at the ER registration desk along with three ambulances all with cardiac arrests!
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
* Ten seconds after you have finished giving a complete bed bath and changing the bed, the patient has a giant code brown.
* If a patient needs four pills, the packet will contain three.
* Your buddies who were reading the paper at the nurses' desk a minute ago always disappear when you need help ...
* Expect to get your pay raise the same day the hospital raises the parking rates (and other charges)
* The better job you do, the more work you can expect to be handed ...
* The amount of clean linen available is inversely proportional to your immediate needs.
* The more confused and impulsive a patient is, the less chance there is for a family member or friend to sit with the patient.
* The perfect nurse for the job will apply the day after that post is filled by some semi qualified idiot.
* If only one solution can be found for a problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.
* When the nurse on the preceding shift has surrounded the patient with absorbent pads, the code brown will hit every sheet and miss every pad.
* Rest assured that when you are in a hurry, the nurse's notes have not been written.
* When you are starting an IV on an uncooperative patient, or dealing with a huge code brown, there is a phone call for you and it's that crabby physician that you have been paging all morning.
* Fire drills always occur on your day from hell
* The first person in line when the clinic opens will not require urgent care. The sickest person will arrive 5 minutes before closing: "I thought I'd feel better"
* The Nursing Catch-22:
If you're running around horribly busy, you're unorganized and need to prioritize, but if you're not running around horribly busy, you're lazy and need to find more work to do.
I've copied this page with the permission of AndrewHeenan,
The Original page can be found at: Murphy's Nurses© 2001 A. Heenan.
Thank you Andrew.
* You do the "Just discharged the Patient from Hell" dance only to turn around and find the Consultant Neuro-Psychiatrist looking at you like you're their next patient.
Sent by Mark Dean
* Last thing you want to hear a doctor say is 'whoops'
Sent by Brian Breeden
* The probability of a code blue is inversely proportional to the time left till the shift change
Sent by Patricia McAuley RN
Source: http://www.murphys-laws.com/
* When you need the money, your shift is cancelled; when you have a weekend planned, you have to do overtime.
* Realizing the patient you've just injected has a serious infection causes you to stab yourself with the used needle.
* A 500 pound patient needs all care, while your 80 pound patient needs a finger dressing ... and your colleague has a "bad back."
* It's you're first night shift for three years. And it's a full moon.
* You're doing the "Only 27 more minutes of the shift from hell happy-dance", only to turn around to see your supervisor standing there.
* In a critical situation, the most highly qualified clinician will offer the most advice and the least support.
* The absurdity of the suggestion is directly proportional to the distance from the bedside.
* As soon as you finish a thirty minute dressing the doctor will come in, and take a look at the wound.
* The disoriented patient always comes from a Nursing Home whose beautiful paperwork has no phone number on it.
* Your nose will itch the very moment your gloved hands get contaminated with bodily fluids.
* The patient who has been dying all night finally meets his maker 12.5 minutes before shift change.
* You walk out of a patient's room after you've asked them if they need anything: they will put the call bell on as you are about three quarters the way down the hall.
* The patient furthest away from the nurses' station rings the call bell more often than the patient nearest to the nurses' station.
* The doctor with the worst handwriting and most original use of the English Language will be responsible for your most critical patient.
* You always remember "just one more thing" you need after you've gowned, gloved, and masked and gone into that isolation room.
* The correct depth of compression in adult CPR is a bit less than the depth you just reached when you broke those ribs.
* When you cancel extra staff because it's so quiet, you are guaranteed a rash of admissions.
* If you wear a new white uniform, expect to be thrown up on.
Corollary: Residents always poop on your brand new shoes.
* When management smiles at you, be very, very afraid ...
* Staffing will gladly send you three aides--but you have to float two of your RNs.
* As soon as you discontinue the IV line, more fluids will be ordered.
* Mandatory meetings are always scheduled after you've had the night from hell and just want to go home to bed.
* You always forget what it was you wanted after you get to the supply room. You always remember when you get back to the other end ...
* Doctors only ask your name when the patient isn't doing well.
* Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the boss is watching.
* As soon as you've ordered the pizzas, 25 patients show up at the ER registration desk along with three ambulances all with cardiac arrests!
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
* Ten seconds after you have finished giving a complete bed bath and changing the bed, the patient has a giant code brown.
* If a patient needs four pills, the packet will contain three.
* Your buddies who were reading the paper at the nurses' desk a minute ago always disappear when you need help ...
* Expect to get your pay raise the same day the hospital raises the parking rates (and other charges)
* The better job you do, the more work you can expect to be handed ...
* The amount of clean linen available is inversely proportional to your immediate needs.
* The more confused and impulsive a patient is, the less chance there is for a family member or friend to sit with the patient.
* The perfect nurse for the job will apply the day after that post is filled by some semi qualified idiot.
* If only one solution can be found for a problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.
* When the nurse on the preceding shift has surrounded the patient with absorbent pads, the code brown will hit every sheet and miss every pad.
* Rest assured that when you are in a hurry, the nurse's notes have not been written.
* When you are starting an IV on an uncooperative patient, or dealing with a huge code brown, there is a phone call for you and it's that crabby physician that you have been paging all morning.
* Fire drills always occur on your day from hell
* The first person in line when the clinic opens will not require urgent care. The sickest person will arrive 5 minutes before closing: "I thought I'd feel better"
* The Nursing Catch-22:
If you're running around horribly busy, you're unorganized and need to prioritize, but if you're not running around horribly busy, you're lazy and need to find more work to do.
I've copied this page with the permission of AndrewHeenan,
The Original page can be found at: Murphy's Nurses© 2001 A. Heenan.
Thank you Andrew.
* You do the "Just discharged the Patient from Hell" dance only to turn around and find the Consultant Neuro-Psychiatrist looking at you like you're their next patient.
Sent by Mark Dean
* Last thing you want to hear a doctor say is 'whoops'
Sent by Brian Breeden
* The probability of a code blue is inversely proportional to the time left till the shift change
Sent by Patricia McAuley RN
Source: http://www.murphys-laws.com/
Murphy's photography laws
Murphy's photography laws
* You are not Ansel Adams
* Neither are you Herb Ritz
* Automatic Cameras - Aren't
* Auto Focus - won't
* If you can't remember, you left the film at home
* No photo assignment remains unchanged after the first day of shooting
* When in doubt, motor out
* If a photo shoot goes too smoothly, then the lab will lose the film
* If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid
* Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the Client is watching
* The most critical roll of film is fogged
* If you forgot, then you did not rewind the film
* Photo Assistants are essential, they give photographers someone to yell at
* The one item (batteries, film, and ect.) you need is always in short supply
* Interchangeable parts aren't
* Long life batteries only last for a couple of rolls
* Weather never cooperates
* Everything always works in your home, everything always fails on location
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism
* The newest and least experienced photographer will usually win the Pulitzer
* Every instruction given to a lab, which can be misunderstood, will be
* There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work
* Never tell the Photo Editor you have nothing to do
* Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't
* No photojournalist is well dressed
* No well dressed photographer is a photojournalist
* Professional photographers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs
* The nature shots invariably happen on two occasions:
-when animals are ready.
-when you're not.
* Same rule just substitute children
* Client Intelligence is a contradiction
* There is no such thing as a perfect shoot
* The important things are always simple
* The simple things are always hard
* Flashes will fail as soon as you need them
* A clean (and dry) camera is a magnet for dust, mud and moisture
* Photo experience is something you never get until just after you need it
* The self-importance of a client is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness)
* The lens that falls is always the most expensive.
* when you drop a lens cap, the inside part always lands face down in the mud.
* Bugs always want to land on the mirror during a lens swap.
* Your batteries will always go dead or you will need to put in a new film canister at the least opportune moment.
* Your batteries will always go dead during a long exposure (so with the shutter open).
* When you shoot the night away and never have to stop. Your film did not roll on to the take up reel.
Sent by Les Benton
* Camera are designed with a built-in sensor, that senses the anticipation to develop the film.
When the level of anticipation is highest, this sensor causes the back to flip open exposing the film.
Sent by Takura Razemba
* Lenses are attracted back to their source - hard rocks.
Corollary:
The more expensive the lens, the greater the attraction.
* No matter how long you've had a convention for marking film holders, you will forget it - when exposing the once-in-a-lifetime shot.
* Safelights - aren't.
* The greater a photographer's excitement, the greater its chance of fogging film, scratching prints, and deleting files.
* The success of an assignment is inversely proportional to the product of its importance and the number of people watching.
* Strobes only explode when lots of people are watching.
Corollary:
Strobes only work when there is nobody else to see.
The last six laws and corollaries were sent by Jason Antman
Source: http://www.murphys-laws.com/
* You are not Ansel Adams
* Neither are you Herb Ritz
* Automatic Cameras - Aren't
* Auto Focus - won't
* If you can't remember, you left the film at home
* No photo assignment remains unchanged after the first day of shooting
* When in doubt, motor out
* If a photo shoot goes too smoothly, then the lab will lose the film
* If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid
* Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the Client is watching
* The most critical roll of film is fogged
* If you forgot, then you did not rewind the film
* Photo Assistants are essential, they give photographers someone to yell at
* The one item (batteries, film, and ect.) you need is always in short supply
* Interchangeable parts aren't
* Long life batteries only last for a couple of rolls
* Weather never cooperates
* Everything always works in your home, everything always fails on location
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism
* The newest and least experienced photographer will usually win the Pulitzer
* Every instruction given to a lab, which can be misunderstood, will be
* There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work
* Never tell the Photo Editor you have nothing to do
* Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't
* No photojournalist is well dressed
* No well dressed photographer is a photojournalist
* Professional photographers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs
* The nature shots invariably happen on two occasions:
-when animals are ready.
-when you're not.
* Same rule just substitute children
* Client Intelligence is a contradiction
* There is no such thing as a perfect shoot
* The important things are always simple
* The simple things are always hard
* Flashes will fail as soon as you need them
* A clean (and dry) camera is a magnet for dust, mud and moisture
* Photo experience is something you never get until just after you need it
* The self-importance of a client is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness)
* The lens that falls is always the most expensive.
* when you drop a lens cap, the inside part always lands face down in the mud.
* Bugs always want to land on the mirror during a lens swap.
* Your batteries will always go dead or you will need to put in a new film canister at the least opportune moment.
* Your batteries will always go dead during a long exposure (so with the shutter open).
* When you shoot the night away and never have to stop. Your film did not roll on to the take up reel.
Sent by Les Benton
* Camera are designed with a built-in sensor, that senses the anticipation to develop the film.
When the level of anticipation is highest, this sensor causes the back to flip open exposing the film.
Sent by Takura Razemba
* Lenses are attracted back to their source - hard rocks.
Corollary:
The more expensive the lens, the greater the attraction.
* No matter how long you've had a convention for marking film holders, you will forget it - when exposing the once-in-a-lifetime shot.
* Safelights - aren't.
* The greater a photographer's excitement, the greater its chance of fogging film, scratching prints, and deleting files.
* The success of an assignment is inversely proportional to the product of its importance and the number of people watching.
* Strobes only explode when lots of people are watching.
Corollary:
Strobes only work when there is nobody else to see.
The last six laws and corollaries were sent by Jason Antman
Source: http://www.murphys-laws.com/
Murphy's volunteer bushfire brigade laws
Murphy's volunteer bushfire brigade laws
* Don't look conspicuous. When you’re dealing with the public it draws stupid questions. Back on Station it draws Crew Leaders
* There is always an easy way
* The easy way usually results in more damage done than less or is blocked by a large, pissed off dog who hasn't eaten in a week
* When dealing with the public try to look unimportant, They may go and find someone else to ask that stupid question to
* Falling trees have the right of way
* Uniforms only come in two sizes, too small and too large
* If your Captain can see you then so can the public
* Never worry about the falling tree branch with your name on it. Instead, worry about the falling tree addressed, "To whom it may concern"
* If orders can be misunderstood, they have been
* It isn't necessary to be an idiot to be a senior officer, but it sure helps
* Crew Leaders, not GOD, make priorities. There’s a difference
* Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep
* Never tell the Captain or Deputy Captain you have nothing to do
* Crew leaders and above never watch until you make a mistake
* One Crew leader is never enough but two is entirely too many
* A clean and dry set of overalls is a magnet for mud and rain
* The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it
* The more an item of equipment costs, the farther you have to send it away to be repaired
* Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it
* Interchangeable parts don't, leak proof seals will and self - starters won’t
* The item of equipment that usually won’t start or jams when you need it the most is the pump
* You aren't Superman
* If it's stupid but it works, it ain't stupid
* The important things are always simple
* The simple things are always hard:
Beer Math -> 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases
* Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything
* The more stupid the leader is, the more important tasks he is ordered to carry out
* The self-importance of a Deputy Captain is inversely proportional to his actual importance in the chain of command
* Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the Fire Control Officer is watching
* As soon as you are served hot food in the field, it rains
* If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution
* CHAOS = Chiefs have arrived on scene
* Captain on location with heavy panic showing
* Chiefs are like diapers, always on your ass and full of shit
The last three laws were sent by Sean
* Burning materials that require extinguishing by powder or gas will be treated with water.
Sent by Shlomo Targan
* NFPA = Not For Practical Application
* Fireman proof - isn't
* If you forget to bring gas with you, your saw will run out as soon as you make the roof
* Once your saw dies you realize you and your partner failed to bring an axe
* Your rope may be rated to 9,000 pounds, your hardware to 12,000, but your back will fail at 3 times your body weight
* It doesn't matter how long the engineer has been on the job - if you didn't check your gear, it hasn't been checked
Source: http://www.murphys-laws.com/
* Don't look conspicuous. When you’re dealing with the public it draws stupid questions. Back on Station it draws Crew Leaders
* There is always an easy way
* The easy way usually results in more damage done than less or is blocked by a large, pissed off dog who hasn't eaten in a week
* When dealing with the public try to look unimportant, They may go and find someone else to ask that stupid question to
* Falling trees have the right of way
* Uniforms only come in two sizes, too small and too large
* If your Captain can see you then so can the public
* Never worry about the falling tree branch with your name on it. Instead, worry about the falling tree addressed, "To whom it may concern"
* If orders can be misunderstood, they have been
* It isn't necessary to be an idiot to be a senior officer, but it sure helps
* Crew Leaders, not GOD, make priorities. There’s a difference
* Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep
* Never tell the Captain or Deputy Captain you have nothing to do
* Crew leaders and above never watch until you make a mistake
* One Crew leader is never enough but two is entirely too many
* A clean and dry set of overalls is a magnet for mud and rain
* The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it
* The more an item of equipment costs, the farther you have to send it away to be repaired
* Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it
* Interchangeable parts don't, leak proof seals will and self - starters won’t
* The item of equipment that usually won’t start or jams when you need it the most is the pump
* You aren't Superman
* If it's stupid but it works, it ain't stupid
* The important things are always simple
* The simple things are always hard:
Beer Math -> 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases
* Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything
* The more stupid the leader is, the more important tasks he is ordered to carry out
* The self-importance of a Deputy Captain is inversely proportional to his actual importance in the chain of command
* Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the Fire Control Officer is watching
* As soon as you are served hot food in the field, it rains
* If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution
* CHAOS = Chiefs have arrived on scene
* Captain on location with heavy panic showing
* Chiefs are like diapers, always on your ass and full of shit
The last three laws were sent by Sean
* Burning materials that require extinguishing by powder or gas will be treated with water.
Sent by Shlomo Targan
* NFPA = Not For Practical Application
* Fireman proof - isn't
* If you forget to bring gas with you, your saw will run out as soon as you make the roof
* Once your saw dies you realize you and your partner failed to bring an axe
* Your rope may be rated to 9,000 pounds, your hardware to 12,000, but your back will fail at 3 times your body weight
* It doesn't matter how long the engineer has been on the job - if you didn't check your gear, it hasn't been checked
Source: http://www.murphys-laws.com/
Murphy's sewing laws
Murphy's sewing laws
* Fusible interfacings always fuse to the iron
* The serge only eats the customer's garment
* If you need 6 buttons, you will find 5 in your button box
* The seam you meant to rip out is invariably the other one
* When you are in a hurry, the needle eye is always too small
* The fabric you forgot to pre-shrink will always shrink the most
* The pattern you wanted to make again will have one key piece missing
* If you drop something out of your sewing basket, it will be your box of pins, with the cover off
* Whenever the construction process is going well, the bobbin thread runs out
* The magnitude of the goof is in direct proportion to the cost of the fabric
* Your lost needle will be found by your son, husband or brother-in-law, while walking around barefoot
* Facings tend to be sewn to the wrong side (Opposite sides attract)
* Collar points don't match, and you've trimmed all the seams
* The iron never scorches the garment until its final pressing
* The steam iron only burps rusty water on light silk fabric
* The sewing machine light usually burns out on Sunday
* Pinking shears get dull just by looking at them
* Gathering threads always break in the middle
* The scissors cut easiest past the buttonhole
* Matching edges don't
Sent by Barb
* You will spill your pin box once per garment.
Sent by Barb on behalf of his sister
* As yee sew, so shall ye rip
Sent by EJ Mott passed to her by her grandmother
Source: http://www.murphys-laws.com/
* Fusible interfacings always fuse to the iron
* The serge only eats the customer's garment
* If you need 6 buttons, you will find 5 in your button box
* The seam you meant to rip out is invariably the other one
* When you are in a hurry, the needle eye is always too small
* The fabric you forgot to pre-shrink will always shrink the most
* The pattern you wanted to make again will have one key piece missing
* If you drop something out of your sewing basket, it will be your box of pins, with the cover off
* Whenever the construction process is going well, the bobbin thread runs out
* The magnitude of the goof is in direct proportion to the cost of the fabric
* Your lost needle will be found by your son, husband or brother-in-law, while walking around barefoot
* Facings tend to be sewn to the wrong side (Opposite sides attract)
* Collar points don't match, and you've trimmed all the seams
* The iron never scorches the garment until its final pressing
* The steam iron only burps rusty water on light silk fabric
* The sewing machine light usually burns out on Sunday
* Pinking shears get dull just by looking at them
* Gathering threads always break in the middle
* The scissors cut easiest past the buttonhole
* Matching edges don't
Sent by Barb
* You will spill your pin box once per garment.
Sent by Barb on behalf of his sister
* As yee sew, so shall ye rip
Sent by EJ Mott passed to her by her grandmother
Source: http://www.murphys-laws.com/
Murphy's military police laws
Murphy's military police laws
* Your brassard and your badge won't stop bullets.
* If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
* Don't look conspicuous - it antagonizes officers.
* When in doubt, empty your shotgun.
* Never share a patrol car with anyone braver than you.
* Not wearing body armor attracts bullets and knives.
* If your response goes well, you're at the wrong barracks.
* Your Patrol Supervisor will show up when you're doing something really stupid.
* The time it takes to respond to an emergency is inversely proportional to the importance of the call.
* The warrant you don't read is the one you'll serve at the wrong quarters.
* No matter how you write it, the Desk Sergeant will want it changed.
* If you charge in all alone, you'll be shot by your own officers.
* The diversion you're ignoring is the actual crime.
* The important things are always simple.
* The simple things are always hard.
* The easy ways are always blocked.
* The short cuts are always under construction by the post engineers.
* Anything you do can get you in trouble - including doing nothing.
* When you've secured a crime scene, don't forget to tell the brass.
* Using the siren and light to clear traffic - attracts traffic.
* It only becomes a riot right after you show up.
* If you take out the newest patrol car, you'll have an accident.
* No street-wise unit ever passed inspection.
* No inspection-ready unit ever makes it on the streets.
* The thing you really need, will be left back at the MP Station.
* Radios will fail as soon as you need back-up desperately.
* Flashlight batteries always die out, just when you really need light.
* Military working dogs attack anything that moves - including you.
* The helicopter will always be low on fuel, as soon as you need it.
* You'll find the suspect you want, when you're off-duty and unarmed.
* If you respond to more than your fair share of calls, you'll have more than your fair share of calls to respond to.
* The suspect will escape, just before you set up a good perimeter.
* The dependent who screams loudly when you don't show up quickly, also screams loudly when you do.
* The weight of the dead body you'll have to carry is proportional to the amount of stairs you'll have to climb.
* Fatalities always occur at the end of shift - or when it rains and snows.
* Your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
* Contrary to popular belief - general officers don't get tickets.
* You won't get called to a court martial - unless it's your day off.
* Take off your hat and the MP Duty Officer shows up.
* Empty guns - aren't.
* Your two minute "back-up" is always actually ten minutes away.
* The alley you sprint down, is the wrong alley.
* Tasting suspected drugs works - but only on TV or in the movies.
* Suspects always hide in the last place you look.
* Better to be judged by twelve, than carried by six.
* Professional criminals are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.
* Admit nothing, deny everything, demand proof - then blame a Private.
* Don't stand, if you can sit - don't sit, if you can lay down - if you can lay down, you might as well take a nap.
* Contrary to popular belief, O.C. *IS* an area effect weapon.
Sent by Darrell A. Pierce
Source: http://www.murphys-laws.com/
* Your brassard and your badge won't stop bullets.
* If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.
* Don't look conspicuous - it antagonizes officers.
* When in doubt, empty your shotgun.
* Never share a patrol car with anyone braver than you.
* Not wearing body armor attracts bullets and knives.
* If your response goes well, you're at the wrong barracks.
* Your Patrol Supervisor will show up when you're doing something really stupid.
* The time it takes to respond to an emergency is inversely proportional to the importance of the call.
* The warrant you don't read is the one you'll serve at the wrong quarters.
* No matter how you write it, the Desk Sergeant will want it changed.
* If you charge in all alone, you'll be shot by your own officers.
* The diversion you're ignoring is the actual crime.
* The important things are always simple.
* The simple things are always hard.
* The easy ways are always blocked.
* The short cuts are always under construction by the post engineers.
* Anything you do can get you in trouble - including doing nothing.
* When you've secured a crime scene, don't forget to tell the brass.
* Using the siren and light to clear traffic - attracts traffic.
* It only becomes a riot right after you show up.
* If you take out the newest patrol car, you'll have an accident.
* No street-wise unit ever passed inspection.
* No inspection-ready unit ever makes it on the streets.
* The thing you really need, will be left back at the MP Station.
* Radios will fail as soon as you need back-up desperately.
* Flashlight batteries always die out, just when you really need light.
* Military working dogs attack anything that moves - including you.
* The helicopter will always be low on fuel, as soon as you need it.
* You'll find the suspect you want, when you're off-duty and unarmed.
* If you respond to more than your fair share of calls, you'll have more than your fair share of calls to respond to.
* The suspect will escape, just before you set up a good perimeter.
* The dependent who screams loudly when you don't show up quickly, also screams loudly when you do.
* The weight of the dead body you'll have to carry is proportional to the amount of stairs you'll have to climb.
* Fatalities always occur at the end of shift - or when it rains and snows.
* Your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
* Contrary to popular belief - general officers don't get tickets.
* You won't get called to a court martial - unless it's your day off.
* Take off your hat and the MP Duty Officer shows up.
* Empty guns - aren't.
* Your two minute "back-up" is always actually ten minutes away.
* The alley you sprint down, is the wrong alley.
* Tasting suspected drugs works - but only on TV or in the movies.
* Suspects always hide in the last place you look.
* Better to be judged by twelve, than carried by six.
* Professional criminals are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.
* Admit nothing, deny everything, demand proof - then blame a Private.
* Don't stand, if you can sit - don't sit, if you can lay down - if you can lay down, you might as well take a nap.
* Contrary to popular belief, O.C. *IS* an area effect weapon.
Sent by Darrell A. Pierce
Source: http://www.murphys-laws.com/
Murphy's cops laws
Murphy's cops laws
* Bullet Proof vests aren't.
* The bigger they are, the harder they fall. They punch, kick and choke harder too.
* The speed at which you respond to a fight call is inversely proportional to how long you've been a cop.
* Tear gas works on cops too, and regardless of wind direction, will always blow back in your face.
* High speed chases will always proceed from an area of light traffic to an area of extremely heavy traffic.
* If you know someone who tortures animals and wets the bed, he is either a serial killer or he works for Internal Affairs.
* Placing a gun back in a shoulder holster with your finger on the trigger will cause you to walk with a limp.
* Flash suppressors don't really.
* If you have `cleared' all the rooms and met no resistance, you and your entry team have probably kicked in the door of the wrong house.
* If a cop swings a baton in a fight, he will hit other cops more often than he will hit the bad guys he swings at.
* Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of few available weapons (living room), to an area with many available weapons (kitchen).
* If you have just punched out a handcuffed prisoner for spitting at you, you are about to become a star on `Eyewitness News'.
* Bullets work on veteran cops too. They also work on weight lifters, martial arts experts, department marksmen, Narco Investigators, S.W.A.T. jocks, and others who consider themselves immortal.
* When a civilian sees a red light approaching at a high rate of speed, he will always pull into the lane the cop needs to use.
* If you drive your patrol car to the geometric center of the Gobi Desert, within five minutes some dumb civilian will pull along side you and ask for directions.
* You can never drive slow enough to please the citizens who don't need a cop, and you can never drive fast enough to please the ones who do.
* Any suspect with a rifle is a better shot than any cop with a pistol.
* From behind you, the bad guys can see your night sights as well as you can.
* On any call, there will always be more `bad guys' than there are good guys, and the farther away your back-up, the more there will be.
* The longer you've been a cop, the shorter your flashlight and your temper gets.
* Whatever you are about to do, if there is a good chance it will get you killed, you probably shouldn't do it.
* You should never do a shotgun search of a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is "Boomer."
* The better you do your job, the more likely you are to be shot, injured, complained on, sued, investigated, or subpoenaed on your day off.
* If a large group of drunk bikers is "holed-up" in a house, the Department will send one officer in a beat car. If there is one biker "holed-up" in a house, they will send the entire S. W. A. T. Team.
* The likelihood that you are speaking to an undercover law enforcement officer, is directly proportional to the number of personal questions being asked of you.
Sent by Fred Beeman
* Dogs do not see the badge as a person of authority, they see lunch.
Sent by Ryan Parton
* Laser sights work both ways
Sent by Oxender, Chad SSgt 321 ESPTS/SFS
* Cops arrive late to the scene of crime.
Sent by Ishola Stephen
* The number of years on the job is directly proportional to your waist line.
Sent by Zain
* The number of people who lock their keys in their car is directly proportional to how bad the weather is.
Sent by Christina N
* In general, a persons' innocence is often diametrically opposed to how much they insist that they are.
Sent by Darrell A. Pierce
* Any time you decide to do something, even slightly against the law, a police officer will just so happen to be near enough to see it happen.
Sent by Lloupiermuingz
* Swiderski's Law
Every thorough investigation leads to confusion
Sent by Gregory Swiderski
* Your Testimony in Court is unnecessary until both you and your wife coordinate the same time off work together.
* Always be sure to give the guy who complains about paying your salary his nickel back before you write his ticket; It will leave him with a better impression of your services.
* The further away the call is into the sticks directly relates to the likelihood you will need a restroom after you are back in service.
* Nobody needs a cop while the cop is around.
* Cops are society's Sacrificial Lambs. Hey, at least we're not their Jackasses. That would be the Brass.
* Even when you're not on call, you're on call. Just ask the Sgt., who doesn't want called.
* On an extended Crime Scene, when someone shows up with the doughnuts and coffee, the cops who usually get them are the ones standing around doing nothing and could have gone themselves.
The last seven laws were sent by Wingaman
* If a meter maid tells you that you can park there, then most likely you will get a ticket.
Sent by Eduardo
* "Spill-proof" lids containing steaming hot coffee, aren't.
* "Two beers, officer" is always two more than they should have had.
Sent by Josh Ladd (Portland Police Bureau, Oregon)
* Your Right, there is no Justice, Just Us.
Sent by Mike harling
Source: http://www.murphys-laws.com/
* Bullet Proof vests aren't.
* The bigger they are, the harder they fall. They punch, kick and choke harder too.
* The speed at which you respond to a fight call is inversely proportional to how long you've been a cop.
* Tear gas works on cops too, and regardless of wind direction, will always blow back in your face.
* High speed chases will always proceed from an area of light traffic to an area of extremely heavy traffic.
* If you know someone who tortures animals and wets the bed, he is either a serial killer or he works for Internal Affairs.
* Placing a gun back in a shoulder holster with your finger on the trigger will cause you to walk with a limp.
* Flash suppressors don't really.
* If you have `cleared' all the rooms and met no resistance, you and your entry team have probably kicked in the door of the wrong house.
* If a cop swings a baton in a fight, he will hit other cops more often than he will hit the bad guys he swings at.
* Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of few available weapons (living room), to an area with many available weapons (kitchen).
* If you have just punched out a handcuffed prisoner for spitting at you, you are about to become a star on `Eyewitness News'.
* Bullets work on veteran cops too. They also work on weight lifters, martial arts experts, department marksmen, Narco Investigators, S.W.A.T. jocks, and others who consider themselves immortal.
* When a civilian sees a red light approaching at a high rate of speed, he will always pull into the lane the cop needs to use.
* If you drive your patrol car to the geometric center of the Gobi Desert, within five minutes some dumb civilian will pull along side you and ask for directions.
* You can never drive slow enough to please the citizens who don't need a cop, and you can never drive fast enough to please the ones who do.
* Any suspect with a rifle is a better shot than any cop with a pistol.
* From behind you, the bad guys can see your night sights as well as you can.
* On any call, there will always be more `bad guys' than there are good guys, and the farther away your back-up, the more there will be.
* The longer you've been a cop, the shorter your flashlight and your temper gets.
* Whatever you are about to do, if there is a good chance it will get you killed, you probably shouldn't do it.
* You should never do a shotgun search of a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is "Boomer."
* The better you do your job, the more likely you are to be shot, injured, complained on, sued, investigated, or subpoenaed on your day off.
* If a large group of drunk bikers is "holed-up" in a house, the Department will send one officer in a beat car. If there is one biker "holed-up" in a house, they will send the entire S. W. A. T. Team.
* The likelihood that you are speaking to an undercover law enforcement officer, is directly proportional to the number of personal questions being asked of you.
Sent by Fred Beeman
* Dogs do not see the badge as a person of authority, they see lunch.
Sent by Ryan Parton
* Laser sights work both ways
Sent by Oxender, Chad SSgt 321 ESPTS/SFS
* Cops arrive late to the scene of crime.
Sent by Ishola Stephen
* The number of years on the job is directly proportional to your waist line.
Sent by Zain
* The number of people who lock their keys in their car is directly proportional to how bad the weather is.
Sent by Christina N
* In general, a persons' innocence is often diametrically opposed to how much they insist that they are.
Sent by Darrell A. Pierce
* Any time you decide to do something, even slightly against the law, a police officer will just so happen to be near enough to see it happen.
Sent by Lloupiermuingz
* Swiderski's Law
Every thorough investigation leads to confusion
Sent by Gregory Swiderski
* Your Testimony in Court is unnecessary until both you and your wife coordinate the same time off work together.
* Always be sure to give the guy who complains about paying your salary his nickel back before you write his ticket; It will leave him with a better impression of your services.
* The further away the call is into the sticks directly relates to the likelihood you will need a restroom after you are back in service.
* Nobody needs a cop while the cop is around.
* Cops are society's Sacrificial Lambs. Hey, at least we're not their Jackasses. That would be the Brass.
* Even when you're not on call, you're on call. Just ask the Sgt., who doesn't want called.
* On an extended Crime Scene, when someone shows up with the doughnuts and coffee, the cops who usually get them are the ones standing around doing nothing and could have gone themselves.
The last seven laws were sent by Wingaman
* If a meter maid tells you that you can park there, then most likely you will get a ticket.
Sent by Eduardo
* "Spill-proof" lids containing steaming hot coffee, aren't.
* "Two beers, officer" is always two more than they should have had.
Sent by Josh Ladd (Portland Police Bureau, Oregon)
* Your Right, there is no Justice, Just Us.
Sent by Mike harling
Source: http://www.murphys-laws.com/
Murphy's war law
Murphy's war law
* Friendly fire - isn't.
* Recoilless rifles - aren't.
* Suppressive fires - won't.
* You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
* A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
* If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
* Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
* If at first you don't succeed, call in an air strike.
* If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
* Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
* Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
* Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
* If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
* The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
* The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
when they're ready.
when you're not.
* No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
* There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
* Five second fuses always burn three seconds.
* There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
* A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
The Ol' Ranger's addendum:
Or else they're trying to suck you into a serious ambush!
* The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
* The easy way is always mined.
* Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
* Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.
* Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
* If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
* When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
* Incoming fire has the right of way.
* No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
* No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
* If the enemy is within range, so are you.
* The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
* Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.
* Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.
* Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
* Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.)
* Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
* Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.
* Tracers work both ways.
* If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
* When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.
* Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
* Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
* Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.
* Weather ain't neutral.
* If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed toward you.
* Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.
* 'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.
* The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.
* Napalm is an area support weapon.
* Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
* B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
* Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.
* Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.
* The one item you need is always in short supply.
* Interchangeable parts aren't.
* It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.
* When in doubt, empty your magazine.
* The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
* Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
* If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
* Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
* The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.
* Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
* Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel's HQ.
* The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
* One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
* A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
* The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
* Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
* The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
* The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.
* Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
* No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
* If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)
* Air strikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
* When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.
* Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.
* The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.
* To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
* The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.
* The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.
* When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
* The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honor.
* A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
* Murphy was a grunt.
* Beer Math: 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.
* Body count Math: 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action.
* The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.
* All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather.
* The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance.
* The crucial round is a dud.
* Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.
* There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.
* Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
* If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you.
* If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it.
* If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.
* Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.
* Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.
* The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
* The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness).
* There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
* Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.
* The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.
* Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.
* As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.
* Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
* The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.
* Walking point = sniper bait.
* Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day.
* If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.
* No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.
* The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
* The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.
* The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
* If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
* The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
* If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
* The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
* There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
* Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.
* If see you, so can the enemy.
* All or any of the above combined.
* Avoid loud noises, there are few silent killers in a combat zone.
* Never screw over a buddy; you'll never know when he could save your life.
* Never expect any rations; the only rations that will be on time and won't be short is the ration ofshit.
* Respect all religions in a combat zone, take no chances on where you may go if killed.
* A half filled canteens a beacon for a full loaded enemy weapon.
* When in a fire fight, kill as many as you can, the one you miss may not miss tomorrow.
The last six laws were sent by Hank Samples. A Viet Nam combat veteran (70-72) 11th ACR-101st Abn.
* It is a physical impossibility to carry too much ammo.
Sent by - Baseka@aol.com
* If you survive an ambush, something's wrong.
Sent by - CPL Nagel
* Some General last words (as his aides tried to get him to get his head down):
"What! what! men, dodging this way for single bullets! What will you do when they open fire along the whole line? I am ashamed of you. They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist..."
Sent by Yael Dragwyla
The General was General John Sedgwick, said on May 9, 1864 at the Battle of Spotsylvania.
Sent by Mike Gottert
* If you can see the flashes from the enemies' guns in battle, he can see yours too.
* Flashlights, lighters and matches don't just illuminate the surrounding area; they illuminate you too.
* Just because you have nearly impenetrable body armor and a hard-ass Kevlar helmet, doesn't mean you don't have exposed areas.
* There are few times when the enemy can't hear you: When he's dead, you're dead, or both.
Addendum: When he's not there, when you're not there, or both.
* Never cover a dead body with your own in hopes of looking like you're one of the casualties. Even using his cadaver is a stretch to avoid being shot "just in case."
* You're only better than your enemy if you kill him first.
The last seven laws were sent by Charlie.
* Complain about the rations all you want, but just remember; they could very well be your last meal.
* Never underestimate the ability of the brass to foul things up.
* You have two mortal enemies in combat; the opposing side and your own rear services.
* You think the enemy has better artillery support and the enemy thinks yours is better; you're both right.
* Three things you will never see in combat; hot chow, hot showers, and an uninterrupted night's sleep.
* "Live" and "Hero" are mutually exclusive terms.
The last six laws were sent by Donald J. Cheek, CPT, US Army (Ret) - Gulf War vet.
* Don't be a hero
Sent by Bo Zhang
* Once you are in the fight it is way too late to wonder if this is a good idea.
* NEVER get into a fight without more ammunition that the other guy.
* Cover your Buddy, so he can be around to cover for you.
* Decisions made by someone over your head will seldom be in your best interest.
* Sometimes, being good and lucky still is not enough.
* If the rear echelon troops are really happy, the front line troops probably do not have what they need.
* If you are wearing body armor they will probably miss that part.
* Happiness is a belt fed weapon.
* Having all your body parts intact and functioning at the end of the day beats the alternative...
* If you are allergic to lead it is best to avoid a war zone.
* Hot garrison chow is better than hot C-rations which, in turn, are better than cold C-rations, which are better than no food at all. All of these, however, are preferable to cold rice balls even if they do have little pieces of fish in them.
* A free fire zone has nothing to do with economics.
* Medals are OK, but having your body and all your friends in one piece at the end of the day is better.
* Being shot hurts.
* Thousands of Veterans earned medals for bravery every day. A few were even awarded.
* There is only one rule in war: When you win, you get to make up the rules.
* C-4 can make a dull day fun.
* There is no such thing as a fair fight -- only ones where you win or lose.
* If you win the battle you are entitled to the spoils. If you lose you don't care.
* Nobody cares what you did yesterday or what you are going to do tomorrow. What is important is what you are doing -- NOW -- to solve our problem.
* Always make sure someone has a can opener.
* Prayer may not help . . . but it can't hurt.
* Flying is better than walking. Walking is better than running. Running is better than crawling. All of these, however, are better than extraction by a Med-Evac even if it is, technically, a form of flying.
* If everyone does not come home none of the rest of us can ever fully come home either.
* Carrying any weapon that you weren't issued (e.g, an AK) in combat is Not A Good Idea!
A combat vet will know the sound of an unfamiliar weapon in an instant and will point and shoot.
Not only that, AKs use green tracers which mean "shoot 'em all and let God sort them out".
As has been noted, "Friendly fire isn't!"
The last 25 laws were sent by Jim
* When the going gets tough, the tough go cyclic.
Sent by SPC Chris
* Military Intelligence is not a contradiction in terms, "Light Infantry" is!
Sent by CPT Sean M. Murphy, FA, USA
* Proximity factor: The need for relief is directly related to the distance of the relief station.
Sent by Joe Garcia
* Always keep one bullet in the chamber when changing your magazine.
Sent by J.E.S.
* In peacetime people say, "War is Hell". In combat, under fire from artillery, airplanes, or whatever, a soldier thinks, "War is really really really LOUD as Hell!!!".
* f you can think clearly, know exactly what's happening, and have total control of a situation in combat, then you're not in combat.
* When you get the coveted 1,000 yard stare, don't forget about the enemy who is 30 yards away and about to pop your ass.
* Stay away from officers in combat, they're clever decoys for noncoms.
* If you think you don't need something for your combat load for an OP PLAN, you'll probably wish you had it after the shit hits the fan in combat.
* Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.
The last six laws were sent by Michael Desai
* Failure of plan A will directly affect your ability to carry out plan B.
Sent by Lenny Quites
* If you drop a soldier in the middle of a desert with a rock, a hammer, and an anvil, tell him not to touch any of it, and come back two hours later, the anvil will be broken. "Because soldiers gotta fuck with shit". (quoted from an Officer during an interview in which the Officer was asked why barrels were thickened on the M-16A2).
Sent by Darrell A. Pierce
* War does not determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Sent by Quenya. Aus. (didn't know there were Elves in Australia, didn't know that elves were interested in war).
* Lackland's Laws:
1. Never be first.
2. Never be last.
3. Never volunteer for anythin
* An escaping soldier can be used again.
Sent by Asier Zabarte
* If you think you'll die, don't worry you won't.
* Near death, but still a live? There is nothing wrong with physics. God doesn't like you.
* It is better to be lucky than good in the battlefield.
Sent by Rob
* If it's worth fighting for...it's worth fighting dirty for.
Sent by former Lt. C. Harper (Vietnam '65)
* if god wanted boots to be comfortable he would have designed them like running shoes.
Sent by Pv1 Goetze
* If you survive the extraordinary things, it will often be the little things that will kill you.
* Give an order, then change the order, will get you disorder.
Sent by Samuel
* You never have fire support in heavy firefight but you always have it on a silent recon mission
Sent by Roswell
* Revision to Marine Corp. Motto "If it makes sense, we won't do it".
Sent by Larry Wotring
* The only thing more dangerous to you than the enemy, is your allies
Sent by Marc Underwood
* Night vision - isn't
Sent by truga
* When you need CAS, they'll be on last weeks radio fill and you won't be able to reach them
* When you need Apache's, they'll be busy escorting the generals bird around
Last two laws were sent by Warpig, saying they are "A couple of additions to the law I picked up in Afghanistan".
* Supply & Demand law
Whatever you have, you won't need; whatever you need, you won't have.
* Leadership law
If it was risky, it worked and no one got hurt: you were brilliant
If it was risky, it worked and someone got hurt; you were courageous
If it was risky, it didn't work and no one got hurt; you were lucky
If it was risky, it didn't work and someone got hurt; you were stupid (and probably dead)
Last two laws were sent by Sylvia Steward
* The best sniper position is always the hardest to reach
* Snakes aren't neutral
* When you need to use the bathroom - the enemy is watching your position
Last three laws were sent by Mitchell Jones, Law Enforcement Precision Marksman, Arkansas
Laws of War for Helicopters
* Helicopter tail rotors are naturally drawn toward trees, stumps, rocks, etc.
While it may be possible to ward off this event some of the time, it cannot, despite the best efforts of the crew, always be prevented.
It's just what they do.
* The engine RPM and the rotor RPM must BOTH be kept in the GREEN.
Failure to heed this commandment can adversely affect the morale of the crew.
* The terms Protective Armor and Helicopter are mutually exclusive.
* "Chicken Plates" are not something you order in a restaurant.
* The BSR (Bang Stare Red) Law:
The louder the sudden bang in the helicopter, the quicker your eyes will be drawn to the gauges.
Corollary: The longer you stare at the gauges the less time it takes them to move from green to red.
* Loud, sudden noises in a helicopter WILL get your undivided attention.
* The further you fly into the mountains, the louder the strange engine noises become.
* It is a bad thing to run out of airspeed, altitude and ideas all at the same time.
* "Pucker Factor" is the formal name of the equation that states the more hairy the situation is, the more of the seat cushion will be sucked up your butt.
It can be expressed in its mathematical formula of:
S (suction) + H (height above ground) + I (interest in staying alive) + T (# of tracers coming your way).
Thus the term 'SHIT!' can also be used to denote a situation where a high Pucker Factor is being encountered.
* Running out of pedal, fore or aft cyclic, or collective are all bad ideas.
Any combination of these can be deadly.
All the Laws of War for Helicopters were sent by Jim Kirk with courtesy of CWO4 Larry Gilbert (Ret). his brother-in-law that sent them to him
* Helicopters have been described as nothing more than 50,000 parts flying in close formation. It is the mechanics responsibility to keep that formation as tight as possible.
* It is mathematically impossible for either hummingbirds, or helicopters to fly. Fortunately, neither are aware of this.
The last two laws were sent by Darrell A. Pierce
* LZ's are always hot.
Sent by loony39478@yahoo.com
* There are 'old' pilots and 'bold' pilots, but there are no 'old, bold' pilots.
* Any helicopter pilot story that starts "There I was,...." will be either true or false.
Any of these stories that end with "No shit." was neither true nor false.
* The mark of a truly superior pilot is the use of his superior judgment to avoid situations requiring the use of his superior skill
The last three laws were sent by Brad Lucas, CPT, AV USA Ret, and a 1st Gulf War Vet.
* Ch-53's are living proof, that if you strap enough engines to something it will fly.
Sent by Jason Koeck
Laws of War for Tanks
* The same gun tube that would probably stay in alignment after lifting a car, will get you beaten after calibration if used to assist in climbing on the tank.
* Tanks draw fire. A lot of it. It does not behoove the infantryman to hide behind one.
* If you're close enough to actually hear an M1 series tank running, while in combat, and not part of the crew, you're too close.
Laws of war for tanks were sent by Darrell A. Pierce
Laws of the Marine Corp
* It never rains in the Marine Corp, it rains on the Marine Corp.
Sent by Jesse Cason
Law of Fighting Airplanes
* The enemy is always has the advantage.
* Heat-seeking missiles don't know the difference between friend and foe.
* 'Armor' is a fantasy invented by your C.O. to make you feel better.
* Afterburners aren't.
* Air Brakes don't.
* Your cannon will jam in combat, and then when you get back to base there will be nothing wrong with it.
* You may have the better plane, but the enemy is the better pilot. (or vise versa)
* When getting spare parts for your aircraft, you can get them CHEAP - FAST - IN GOOD CONDITION,
pick two. (This applies to everything)
* Your radar will not pick up the enemy behind you or the one in the sun.
* If you have got into the sun and are about to ambush the enemy, it will either be a trap or you'll run out of fuel.
Law of Fighting Airplanes were sent by Luke
Saddam's First (and last) Law of War:
* Don't pick a fight with the baddest guys on the block!
Sent by Jim Kirk
Laws of Desert Combat:
* Any attempt to find cover will result in failure.
* Supply Shipments at night stick out like a sore thumb.
* Tanks should never leave the established roads
* Established roads are always mined
* Operations in daytime will cause the lesser equipped army to win
* The effectiveness of a soldier in desert combat is inversely porportional to how heavy his equipment is
* Have plenty of water on hand
The last 7 laws were sent by Fenix
Laws of War in Iraq:
* If it makes sense, it is not the "Army Way"
* Saddam's First (and last) Law of War:
Don't pick a fight with the baddest guys on the block.
If you do, don't even try to run or hide. The pain will be worse.
* The Iraqis always know the area better than you, no matter how many dismounts or convoys you have been on.
* Iraqis always have the advantage of blending in with the crowd. You do not.
* Iraqis are used to the heat and will rarely, if ever, be out during the hottest part of the day.
* Drink more water than you think that you will need.
* Drink more water than you think that you will need.
* Always keep your radio fill up to date.
* Don't piss off the IP's that run the check points, they sometimes allow insurgents to place IED's near their location just to fuck with you.
* Be nice to the Iraqi children, they will soon be either IP's, IA's, or insurgents!
* Always remember: Shoot first and then swear up and down that you saw them pull out a grenade. This always works!!!
* IED's will be placed frequently in the same spots over and over again.
* Always shoot the guy walking down the MSR in the middle of the night carrying a gas can and a shovel. If they can't place the IED's, they can't blow you up!
Last 13 laws were sent by Thomas Anderson, M SPC MIL USA USAREUR
* Military restatement of Uffelman's Razor:
Never attribute to an Officer that which is adequately explained by a Private.
From SFC Raines
* Anderson's first Law:
If at first you don't succeed, blame it on the new private!
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
From SPC Coffee
* Law of Murphic Relief:
If, throughout your entire life you have been ruled by Murphy's Law, then at least one thing, usually no more than that, will go so right as to make up for a lifetime of failures.
From My Wife Rita!! Happily married now for 5 years!!
* Murphy's Law is proof that God is in Heaven laughing his butt off!!
From SGT Overson
* Friendly fire - isn't.
* Recoilless rifles - aren't.
* Suppressive fires - won't.
* You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
* A sucking chest wound is Nature's way of telling you to slow down.
* If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
* Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
* If at first you don't succeed, call in an air strike.
* If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
* Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
* Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
* Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
* If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
* The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.
* The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
when they're ready.
when you're not.
* No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
* There is no such thing as a perfect plan.
* Five second fuses always burn three seconds.
* There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
* A retreating enemy is probably just falling back and regrouping.
The Ol' Ranger's addendum:
Or else they're trying to suck you into a serious ambush!
* The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
* The easy way is always mined.
* Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy other people to shoot at.
* Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire. For this reason, it is not at all uncommon for aircraft carriers to be known as bomb magnets.
* Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.
* If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone.
* When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it too.
* Incoming fire has the right of way.
* No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
* No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.
* If the enemy is within range, so are you.
* The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
* Things which must be shipped together as a set, aren't.
* Things that must work together, can't be carried to the field that way.
* Radios will fail as soon as you need fire support.
* Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during both.)
* Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
* Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you won't be able to get out.
* Tracers work both ways.
* If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will get more than your fair share of objectives to take.
* When both sides are convinced they're about to lose, they're both right.
* Professional soldiers are predictable; the world is full of dangerous amateurs.
* Military Intelligence is a contradiction.
* Fortify your front; you'll get your rear shot up.
* Weather ain't neutral.
* If you can't remember, the Claymore is pointed toward you.
* Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.
* 'Flies high, it dies; low and slow, it'll go.
* The Cavalry doesn't always come to the rescue.
* Napalm is an area support weapon.
* Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
* B-52s are the ultimate close support weapon.
* Sniper's motto: reach out and touch someone.
* Killing for peace is like screwing for virginity.
* The one item you need is always in short supply.
* Interchangeable parts aren't.
* It's not the one with your name on it; it's the one addressed "to whom it may concern" you've got to think about.
* When in doubt, empty your magazine.
* The side with the simplest uniforms wins.
* Combat will occur on the ground between two adjoining maps.
* If the Platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
* Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
* The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass.
* Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
* Everything always works in your HQ, everything always fails in the Colonel's HQ.
* The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
* One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
* A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
* The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
* Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
* The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be repaired.
* The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.
* Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
* No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
* If enough data is collected, a board of inquiry can prove anything.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)
* Air strikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
* When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most important ones are always illegible.
* Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up KIA or WIA.
* The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.
* To steal information from a person is called plagiarism. To steal information from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
* The weapon that usually jams when you need it the most is the M60.
* The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet is filled by someone else.
* When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the enemy takes 2 weeks to attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack that night.
* The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the Medal of Honor.
* A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.
* Murphy was a grunt.
* Beer Math: 2 beers times 37 men equals 49 cases.
* Body count Math: 3 guerrillas plus 1 probable plus 2 pigs equals 37 enemies killed in action.
* The bursting radius of a hand grenade is always one foot greater than your jumping range.
* All-weather close air support doesn't work in bad weather.
* The combat worth of a unit is inversely proportional to the smartness of its outfit and appearance.
* The crucial round is a dud.
* Every command which can be misunderstood, will be.
* There is no such place as a convenient foxhole.
* Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
* If your positions are firmly set and you are prepared to take the enemy assault on, he will bypass you.
* If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won't walk into it.
* If your flank march is going well, the enemy expects you to outflank him.
* Density of fire increases proportionally to the curiousness of the target.
* Odd objects attract fire - never lurk behind one.
* The more stupid the leader is, the more important missions he is ordered to carry out.
* The self-importance of a superior is inversely proportional to his position in the hierarchy (as is his deviousness and mischievousness).
* There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
* Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is watching.
* The enemy never monitors your radio frequency until you broadcast on an unsecured channel.
* Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.
* As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.
* Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
* The seriousness of a wound (in a fire-fight) is inversely proportional to the distance to any form of cover.
* Walking point = sniper bait.
* Your bivouac for the night is the spot where you got tired of marching that day.
* If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually a stupid solution.
* No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.
* The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
* The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.
* The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
* If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
* The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
* If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
* The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
* There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
* Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.
* If see you, so can the enemy.
* All or any of the above combined.
* Avoid loud noises, there are few silent killers in a combat zone.
* Never screw over a buddy; you'll never know when he could save your life.
* Never expect any rations; the only rations that will be on time and won't be short is the ration ofshit.
* Respect all religions in a combat zone, take no chances on where you may go if killed.
* A half filled canteens a beacon for a full loaded enemy weapon.
* When in a fire fight, kill as many as you can, the one you miss may not miss tomorrow.
The last six laws were sent by Hank Samples. A Viet Nam combat veteran (70-72) 11th ACR-101st Abn.
* It is a physical impossibility to carry too much ammo.
Sent by - Baseka@aol.com
* If you survive an ambush, something's wrong.
Sent by - CPL Nagel
* Some General last words (as his aides tried to get him to get his head down):
"What! what! men, dodging this way for single bullets! What will you do when they open fire along the whole line? I am ashamed of you. They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist..."
Sent by Yael Dragwyla
The General was General John Sedgwick, said on May 9, 1864 at the Battle of Spotsylvania.
Sent by Mike Gottert
* If you can see the flashes from the enemies' guns in battle, he can see yours too.
* Flashlights, lighters and matches don't just illuminate the surrounding area; they illuminate you too.
* Just because you have nearly impenetrable body armor and a hard-ass Kevlar helmet, doesn't mean you don't have exposed areas.
* There are few times when the enemy can't hear you: When he's dead, you're dead, or both.
Addendum: When he's not there, when you're not there, or both.
* Never cover a dead body with your own in hopes of looking like you're one of the casualties. Even using his cadaver is a stretch to avoid being shot "just in case."
* You're only better than your enemy if you kill him first.
The last seven laws were sent by Charlie.
* Complain about the rations all you want, but just remember; they could very well be your last meal.
* Never underestimate the ability of the brass to foul things up.
* You have two mortal enemies in combat; the opposing side and your own rear services.
* You think the enemy has better artillery support and the enemy thinks yours is better; you're both right.
* Three things you will never see in combat; hot chow, hot showers, and an uninterrupted night's sleep.
* "Live" and "Hero" are mutually exclusive terms.
The last six laws were sent by Donald J. Cheek, CPT, US Army (Ret) - Gulf War vet.
* Don't be a hero
Sent by Bo Zhang
* Once you are in the fight it is way too late to wonder if this is a good idea.
* NEVER get into a fight without more ammunition that the other guy.
* Cover your Buddy, so he can be around to cover for you.
* Decisions made by someone over your head will seldom be in your best interest.
* Sometimes, being good and lucky still is not enough.
* If the rear echelon troops are really happy, the front line troops probably do not have what they need.
* If you are wearing body armor they will probably miss that part.
* Happiness is a belt fed weapon.
* Having all your body parts intact and functioning at the end of the day beats the alternative...
* If you are allergic to lead it is best to avoid a war zone.
* Hot garrison chow is better than hot C-rations which, in turn, are better than cold C-rations, which are better than no food at all. All of these, however, are preferable to cold rice balls even if they do have little pieces of fish in them.
* A free fire zone has nothing to do with economics.
* Medals are OK, but having your body and all your friends in one piece at the end of the day is better.
* Being shot hurts.
* Thousands of Veterans earned medals for bravery every day. A few were even awarded.
* There is only one rule in war: When you win, you get to make up the rules.
* C-4 can make a dull day fun.
* There is no such thing as a fair fight -- only ones where you win or lose.
* If you win the battle you are entitled to the spoils. If you lose you don't care.
* Nobody cares what you did yesterday or what you are going to do tomorrow. What is important is what you are doing -- NOW -- to solve our problem.
* Always make sure someone has a can opener.
* Prayer may not help . . . but it can't hurt.
* Flying is better than walking. Walking is better than running. Running is better than crawling. All of these, however, are better than extraction by a Med-Evac even if it is, technically, a form of flying.
* If everyone does not come home none of the rest of us can ever fully come home either.
* Carrying any weapon that you weren't issued (e.g, an AK) in combat is Not A Good Idea!
A combat vet will know the sound of an unfamiliar weapon in an instant and will point and shoot.
Not only that, AKs use green tracers which mean "shoot 'em all and let God sort them out".
As has been noted, "Friendly fire isn't!"
The last 25 laws were sent by Jim
* When the going gets tough, the tough go cyclic.
Sent by SPC Chris
* Military Intelligence is not a contradiction in terms, "Light Infantry" is!
Sent by CPT Sean M. Murphy, FA, USA
* Proximity factor: The need for relief is directly related to the distance of the relief station.
Sent by Joe Garcia
* Always keep one bullet in the chamber when changing your magazine.
Sent by J.E.S.
* In peacetime people say, "War is Hell". In combat, under fire from artillery, airplanes, or whatever, a soldier thinks, "War is really really really LOUD as Hell!!!".
* f you can think clearly, know exactly what's happening, and have total control of a situation in combat, then you're not in combat.
* When you get the coveted 1,000 yard stare, don't forget about the enemy who is 30 yards away and about to pop your ass.
* Stay away from officers in combat, they're clever decoys for noncoms.
* If you think you don't need something for your combat load for an OP PLAN, you'll probably wish you had it after the shit hits the fan in combat.
* Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.
The last six laws were sent by Michael Desai
* Failure of plan A will directly affect your ability to carry out plan B.
Sent by Lenny Quites
* If you drop a soldier in the middle of a desert with a rock, a hammer, and an anvil, tell him not to touch any of it, and come back two hours later, the anvil will be broken. "Because soldiers gotta fuck with shit". (quoted from an Officer during an interview in which the Officer was asked why barrels were thickened on the M-16A2).
Sent by Darrell A. Pierce
* War does not determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Sent by Quenya. Aus. (didn't know there were Elves in Australia, didn't know that elves were interested in war).
* Lackland's Laws:
1. Never be first.
2. Never be last.
3. Never volunteer for anythin
* An escaping soldier can be used again.
Sent by Asier Zabarte
* If you think you'll die, don't worry you won't.
* Near death, but still a live? There is nothing wrong with physics. God doesn't like you.
* It is better to be lucky than good in the battlefield.
Sent by Rob
* If it's worth fighting for...it's worth fighting dirty for.
Sent by former Lt. C. Harper (Vietnam '65)
* if god wanted boots to be comfortable he would have designed them like running shoes.
Sent by Pv1 Goetze
* If you survive the extraordinary things, it will often be the little things that will kill you.
* Give an order, then change the order, will get you disorder.
Sent by Samuel
* You never have fire support in heavy firefight but you always have it on a silent recon mission
Sent by Roswell
* Revision to Marine Corp. Motto "If it makes sense, we won't do it".
Sent by Larry Wotring
* The only thing more dangerous to you than the enemy, is your allies
Sent by Marc Underwood
* Night vision - isn't
Sent by truga
* When you need CAS, they'll be on last weeks radio fill and you won't be able to reach them
* When you need Apache's, they'll be busy escorting the generals bird around
Last two laws were sent by Warpig, saying they are "A couple of additions to the law I picked up in Afghanistan".
* Supply & Demand law
Whatever you have, you won't need; whatever you need, you won't have.
* Leadership law
If it was risky, it worked and no one got hurt: you were brilliant
If it was risky, it worked and someone got hurt; you were courageous
If it was risky, it didn't work and no one got hurt; you were lucky
If it was risky, it didn't work and someone got hurt; you were stupid (and probably dead)
Last two laws were sent by Sylvia Steward
* The best sniper position is always the hardest to reach
* Snakes aren't neutral
* When you need to use the bathroom - the enemy is watching your position
Last three laws were sent by Mitchell Jones, Law Enforcement Precision Marksman, Arkansas
Laws of War for Helicopters
* Helicopter tail rotors are naturally drawn toward trees, stumps, rocks, etc.
While it may be possible to ward off this event some of the time, it cannot, despite the best efforts of the crew, always be prevented.
It's just what they do.
* The engine RPM and the rotor RPM must BOTH be kept in the GREEN.
Failure to heed this commandment can adversely affect the morale of the crew.
* The terms Protective Armor and Helicopter are mutually exclusive.
* "Chicken Plates" are not something you order in a restaurant.
* The BSR (Bang Stare Red) Law:
The louder the sudden bang in the helicopter, the quicker your eyes will be drawn to the gauges.
Corollary: The longer you stare at the gauges the less time it takes them to move from green to red.
* Loud, sudden noises in a helicopter WILL get your undivided attention.
* The further you fly into the mountains, the louder the strange engine noises become.
* It is a bad thing to run out of airspeed, altitude and ideas all at the same time.
* "Pucker Factor" is the formal name of the equation that states the more hairy the situation is, the more of the seat cushion will be sucked up your butt.
It can be expressed in its mathematical formula of:
S (suction) + H (height above ground) + I (interest in staying alive) + T (# of tracers coming your way).
Thus the term 'SHIT!' can also be used to denote a situation where a high Pucker Factor is being encountered.
* Running out of pedal, fore or aft cyclic, or collective are all bad ideas.
Any combination of these can be deadly.
All the Laws of War for Helicopters were sent by Jim Kirk with courtesy of CWO4 Larry Gilbert (Ret). his brother-in-law that sent them to him
* Helicopters have been described as nothing more than 50,000 parts flying in close formation. It is the mechanics responsibility to keep that formation as tight as possible.
* It is mathematically impossible for either hummingbirds, or helicopters to fly. Fortunately, neither are aware of this.
The last two laws were sent by Darrell A. Pierce
* LZ's are always hot.
Sent by loony39478@yahoo.com
* There are 'old' pilots and 'bold' pilots, but there are no 'old, bold' pilots.
* Any helicopter pilot story that starts "There I was,...." will be either true or false.
Any of these stories that end with "No shit." was neither true nor false.
* The mark of a truly superior pilot is the use of his superior judgment to avoid situations requiring the use of his superior skill
The last three laws were sent by Brad Lucas, CPT, AV USA Ret, and a 1st Gulf War Vet.
* Ch-53's are living proof, that if you strap enough engines to something it will fly.
Sent by Jason Koeck
Laws of War for Tanks
* The same gun tube that would probably stay in alignment after lifting a car, will get you beaten after calibration if used to assist in climbing on the tank.
* Tanks draw fire. A lot of it. It does not behoove the infantryman to hide behind one.
* If you're close enough to actually hear an M1 series tank running, while in combat, and not part of the crew, you're too close.
Laws of war for tanks were sent by Darrell A. Pierce
Laws of the Marine Corp
* It never rains in the Marine Corp, it rains on the Marine Corp.
Sent by Jesse Cason
Law of Fighting Airplanes
* The enemy is always has the advantage.
* Heat-seeking missiles don't know the difference between friend and foe.
* 'Armor' is a fantasy invented by your C.O. to make you feel better.
* Afterburners aren't.
* Air Brakes don't.
* Your cannon will jam in combat, and then when you get back to base there will be nothing wrong with it.
* You may have the better plane, but the enemy is the better pilot. (or vise versa)
* When getting spare parts for your aircraft, you can get them CHEAP - FAST - IN GOOD CONDITION,
pick two. (This applies to everything)
* Your radar will not pick up the enemy behind you or the one in the sun.
* If you have got into the sun and are about to ambush the enemy, it will either be a trap or you'll run out of fuel.
Law of Fighting Airplanes were sent by Luke
Saddam's First (and last) Law of War:
* Don't pick a fight with the baddest guys on the block!
Sent by Jim Kirk
Laws of Desert Combat:
* Any attempt to find cover will result in failure.
* Supply Shipments at night stick out like a sore thumb.
* Tanks should never leave the established roads
* Established roads are always mined
* Operations in daytime will cause the lesser equipped army to win
* The effectiveness of a soldier in desert combat is inversely porportional to how heavy his equipment is
* Have plenty of water on hand
The last 7 laws were sent by Fenix
Laws of War in Iraq:
* If it makes sense, it is not the "Army Way"
* Saddam's First (and last) Law of War:
Don't pick a fight with the baddest guys on the block.
If you do, don't even try to run or hide. The pain will be worse.
* The Iraqis always know the area better than you, no matter how many dismounts or convoys you have been on.
* Iraqis always have the advantage of blending in with the crowd. You do not.
* Iraqis are used to the heat and will rarely, if ever, be out during the hottest part of the day.
* Drink more water than you think that you will need.
* Drink more water than you think that you will need.
* Always keep your radio fill up to date.
* Don't piss off the IP's that run the check points, they sometimes allow insurgents to place IED's near their location just to fuck with you.
* Be nice to the Iraqi children, they will soon be either IP's, IA's, or insurgents!
* Always remember: Shoot first and then swear up and down that you saw them pull out a grenade. This always works!!!
* IED's will be placed frequently in the same spots over and over again.
* Always shoot the guy walking down the MSR in the middle of the night carrying a gas can and a shovel. If they can't place the IED's, they can't blow you up!
Last 13 laws were sent by Thomas Anderson, M SPC MIL USA USAREUR
* Military restatement of Uffelman's Razor:
Never attribute to an Officer that which is adequately explained by a Private.
From SFC Raines
* Anderson's first Law:
If at first you don't succeed, blame it on the new private!
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
From SPC Coffee
* Law of Murphic Relief:
If, throughout your entire life you have been ruled by Murphy's Law, then at least one thing, usually no more than that, will go so right as to make up for a lifetime of failures.
From My Wife Rita!! Happily married now for 5 years!!
* Murphy's Law is proof that God is in Heaven laughing his butt off!!
From SGT Overson
Murphy's teaching laws
Murphy's teaching laws
* The clock in the instructor's room will be wrong.
* Disaster will occur when visitors are in the room.
* A subject interesting to the teacher will bore students.
* The time a teacher takes in explaining is inversely proportional to the information retained by students.
* A meeting's length will be directly proportional to the boredom the speaker produces.
* Students who are doing better are credited with working harder. If children start to do poorly, the teacher will be blamed.
* The problem child will be a school board member's son.
* When the instructor is late, he will meet the principal in the hall.
* If the instructor is late and does not meet the principal, the instructor is late to the faculty meeting.
* New students come from schools that do not teach anything.
* Good students move away.
* When speaking to the school psychologist, the teacher will say: "weirdo" rather than "emotionally disturbed".
* The school board will make a better pay offer before the teacher's union negotiates.
* The instructor's study hall be the largest in several years.
* The administration will view the study hall as the teacher's preparation time.
* Clocks will run more quickly during free time.
* On a test day, at least 15% of the class will be absent
* If the instructor teaches art, the principal will be an ex-coach and will dislike art. If the instructor is a coach, the principal will be an ex-coach who took a winning team to the state.
* Murphy's Law ill go into effect at the beginning of an evaluation.
* Weiner's Law of Libraries
There are no answers, only cross references.
* Laws of Class Scheduling
1. If the course you wanted most has room for "n" students, you will be the "n+1" to apply.
2. Class schedules are designed so that every student will waste maximum time between classes.
Corollary: When you are occasionally able to schedule two classes in a row, they will be held in classrooms at opposite ends of the campus.
3. A prerequisite for a desired course will be offered only during the semester following the desired course.
* Laws of Applied Terror
1. When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most important ones will be illegible.
2. The more studying you did for the exam, the less sure you are as to which answer they want
3. Eighty percent of the final exam will be based on the one lecture you missed about the one book you didn't read.
4. The night before the English history midterm, your Biology instructor will assign two hundred pages on planarian.
Corollary: Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor's course.
5. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
Corollary: If you are given a take home exam, you will forget where you live.
Corollary: If the test is on-line, you will forget your password
The last corollary was sent by Feenyx
6. At the end of the semester you will recall having enrolled in a course at the beginning of the semester--and never attending.
* First Law of Final Exams
Pocket calculator batteries that have lasted all semester will fail during the math final.
Corollary: If you bring extra batteries, they will be defective.
* Second Law of Final Exams
In your toughest final, the most distractingly attractive student in class will sit next to you for the first time.
* Seeger's Law
Anything in parentheses can be ignored.
* Natalie' Law of Calculus
You never catch on until after the test.
* Seit's Law of Higher Education
The one course you must take to graduate will not be offered during you last semester.
* Rule of the Term Paper
The book or periodical most vital to the completion of your term paper will be missing from the library.
Corollary: If it is available, the most important page will be torn out.
* Duggan's Law of Scholarly Research
The most valuable quotation will be the one for which you cannot determine the source.
Corollary: The source for an un-attributed quotation will appear in the most hostile review of you work.
* Rominger's Rules for Students
1. The more general the title of a course, the less you will learn from it.
2. The more specific a title is, the less you will be able to apply it later.
* Hansen's Library Axiom
The closest library doesn't have the material you need.
* London's Law of Libraries
No matter which book you need, it's on the bottom shelf.
* Library Man's Laws
You won't find the books you checked out for that big project until after either the project or the books were due.
* The library will close 5 minutes before you remember that you left your book bag inside.
Corollary: It will be Saturday, and it won't open until Monday.
Corollary: Your half-finished term paper (due Monday morning) and all your research, will be inside.
* All librarians will be happy to help when you don't need it, but will vanish when you have a question about the Dewey Decimal system.
* Dewey was drunk when he made the decimal system.
The last four laws were sent by Andrew Stephens, he wants to dedicate these to the Centennial Branch Library of Circle Pines, MN.
* Rominger's Rules for Teachers
1. When a student asks for a second time if you have read his book report, he did not read the book.
2. If attendance is mandatory, a scheduled exam will produce increased absenteeism. If attendance is optional, an exam will produce persons you have never seen before.
* Penza's law about math's lessons
The porter will knock at the door at the most crucial point of the lesson.
Sent by Simone Penzavalle
* Lancione's Law
You can't misspell numbers when you write them as digits.
Sent by Sal Lnacione
* The back of the room is never far enough.
Sent by Dan Goldstein
* Students will never fail to disappoint.
Sent by Grotblik
* The English language, e.g. It's a problem when its be right
Sent by Michael
* Demerits from a teacher you hate are put on your permanent record.
* Merits from a teacher you hate are put on the permanent record of a student you hate even more.
The last two laws were sent by Lenny Quites
* The examination paper is always easier when you are not taking it.
Sent by Jyotsna.
* Law of the Compounding of Murphy's Law:
All that has been accomplished by the insertion of the computer into the classroom is the combining of two areas covered under Murphy's Law.
* Law of Universal Intelligence:
The most ill-behaved student in all of a teacher's classes is always one of the bright ones he can't flunk.
* Law of Behavioral Management:
Nothing gets their attention like placing your nails on the chalkboard.
* Law of Parental Dynamics:
The worst chew-out from parents always comes from an incident their child lied about.
* Law of Inanimate Motion, also called the "Tendency to Sprout Legs":
Anything that is not firmly secured in place, regardless of size, will find its way out of the room.
Addendum: And cause a problem across the hall.
Corollary: The likelihood of an object's disappearance varies directly with its capacity to cause a problem across the hall.
The last five laws were sent by Timothy Boilard
* In the eyes of your professor, you are ALWAYS wrong, so don't bother trying.
Sent by Ana M.
* No matter how much you study for a test you will be asked a question that you don't know.
Sent by David Poole
* When you study for easy tests is when you fail miserably, but when you don't study for the hard ones, it's when you pass with 100%.
* When there's a teacher that everyone says you want, you end up with the ones you don't want. And when you do get the ones that you want, it's when they end up changing their ways, and decide to make the class really hard.
* If you know you are correct, then you aren't.
Sent by Brad Gochnauer
* To know much sleep less.
* You're not young enough to know it all
The last two laws were sent by Jan Wenall
* There is no such thing as a stupid question, unless the person asking the question is stupid.
sent by Shane Johnston
College Student Laws
* You just finished the paper that counts as your final five minutes before class only to discover the printer is out of ink
* No matter what the problem, alcohol will always solve it
* Pizza makes a complete meal... hot or cold
* Dinning dollars are always short in supply
* Your parents never fail to call you on your cell phone when you're at a party
* Whenever you have beer in your room, your RA decides it's the perfect time to make surprise inspections
* The professor never sticks to the syllabus
The last seven laws were sent by John Hofstra
* One college student in a hot rod car has half a brain, two college student have no brain
Sent by Wildmoongurl69@aol.com
* The harder you study, the farther behind you get
* Knowing mathematics and teaching mathematics are not equivalent
* What is "obvious" to everyone else won't be to you
* Notes written in class are hieroglyphics at home
* Problems that you can work won't be on the test
* Problems that you can't work will be on the test
* Any simple idea will be denoted using 3 different symbols
* Community College credo: fix anything with duct tape, eat only ramen noodles, drink only caffeine.
The last eight laws were sent by Eppeguy@aol.com, he got these laws from a math teacher
* If you study hard for that important examination, the setters will decide to change the focus of the exam to one that is 'thinking-based' and 'analytical'.
Corollary: If you memorized information, it will be useless.
* If you don't study for that important examination, the paper will be content-based.
Corollary: If you don't study, every question will appear to be something you remember reading on your textbooks from a month ago, hence will appear (deceptively of course) easy, although you will not recall the exact phrasing of an answer.
Sent by Winnie Choo.
* If you give information without citing the source, the information given is wrong.
* If you cite a source for information, it actually came from somebody else.
* If you didn't cite something, that was the one thing your professor wanted you to cite.
The last three laws were sent by Kevin Zuhn
* There is no such thing as a stupid question, unless the person asking the question is stupid.
Sent by Shane Johnston
* If you bring a solar powered calculator to a test, the room lights won't work.
Sent by RKLisle
*
* When you have worked out something intelligently, your classmates would have worked it out before you and in a better way
* When you think that a person you meet looks stupid, chances of them being really smart are very high
* The chances of doing badly in a test are really high when you've studied really hard. or The probability of scoring an A in a test is inversely proportional to your hard work (however, the reverse can NEVER be proved)
last three laws were sent by Manasa Parthasharathy
* On the day when you planned to do most of the preparation for your hardest final exam, your neighbour is going to mow the grass all day
Sent by Przemek Pająk
* The clock in the instructor's room will be wrong.
* Disaster will occur when visitors are in the room.
* A subject interesting to the teacher will bore students.
* The time a teacher takes in explaining is inversely proportional to the information retained by students.
* A meeting's length will be directly proportional to the boredom the speaker produces.
* Students who are doing better are credited with working harder. If children start to do poorly, the teacher will be blamed.
* The problem child will be a school board member's son.
* When the instructor is late, he will meet the principal in the hall.
* If the instructor is late and does not meet the principal, the instructor is late to the faculty meeting.
* New students come from schools that do not teach anything.
* Good students move away.
* When speaking to the school psychologist, the teacher will say: "weirdo" rather than "emotionally disturbed".
* The school board will make a better pay offer before the teacher's union negotiates.
* The instructor's study hall be the largest in several years.
* The administration will view the study hall as the teacher's preparation time.
* Clocks will run more quickly during free time.
* On a test day, at least 15% of the class will be absent
* If the instructor teaches art, the principal will be an ex-coach and will dislike art. If the instructor is a coach, the principal will be an ex-coach who took a winning team to the state.
* Murphy's Law ill go into effect at the beginning of an evaluation.
* Weiner's Law of Libraries
There are no answers, only cross references.
* Laws of Class Scheduling
1. If the course you wanted most has room for "n" students, you will be the "n+1" to apply.
2. Class schedules are designed so that every student will waste maximum time between classes.
Corollary: When you are occasionally able to schedule two classes in a row, they will be held in classrooms at opposite ends of the campus.
3. A prerequisite for a desired course will be offered only during the semester following the desired course.
* Laws of Applied Terror
1. When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most important ones will be illegible.
2. The more studying you did for the exam, the less sure you are as to which answer they want
3. Eighty percent of the final exam will be based on the one lecture you missed about the one book you didn't read.
4. The night before the English history midterm, your Biology instructor will assign two hundred pages on planarian.
Corollary: Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor's course.
5. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
Corollary: If you are given a take home exam, you will forget where you live.
Corollary: If the test is on-line, you will forget your password
The last corollary was sent by Feenyx
6. At the end of the semester you will recall having enrolled in a course at the beginning of the semester--and never attending.
* First Law of Final Exams
Pocket calculator batteries that have lasted all semester will fail during the math final.
Corollary: If you bring extra batteries, they will be defective.
* Second Law of Final Exams
In your toughest final, the most distractingly attractive student in class will sit next to you for the first time.
* Seeger's Law
Anything in parentheses can be ignored.
* Natalie' Law of Calculus
You never catch on until after the test.
* Seit's Law of Higher Education
The one course you must take to graduate will not be offered during you last semester.
* Rule of the Term Paper
The book or periodical most vital to the completion of your term paper will be missing from the library.
Corollary: If it is available, the most important page will be torn out.
* Duggan's Law of Scholarly Research
The most valuable quotation will be the one for which you cannot determine the source.
Corollary: The source for an un-attributed quotation will appear in the most hostile review of you work.
* Rominger's Rules for Students
1. The more general the title of a course, the less you will learn from it.
2. The more specific a title is, the less you will be able to apply it later.
* Hansen's Library Axiom
The closest library doesn't have the material you need.
* London's Law of Libraries
No matter which book you need, it's on the bottom shelf.
* Library Man's Laws
You won't find the books you checked out for that big project until after either the project or the books were due.
* The library will close 5 minutes before you remember that you left your book bag inside.
Corollary: It will be Saturday, and it won't open until Monday.
Corollary: Your half-finished term paper (due Monday morning) and all your research, will be inside.
* All librarians will be happy to help when you don't need it, but will vanish when you have a question about the Dewey Decimal system.
* Dewey was drunk when he made the decimal system.
The last four laws were sent by Andrew Stephens, he wants to dedicate these to the Centennial Branch Library of Circle Pines, MN.
* Rominger's Rules for Teachers
1. When a student asks for a second time if you have read his book report, he did not read the book.
2. If attendance is mandatory, a scheduled exam will produce increased absenteeism. If attendance is optional, an exam will produce persons you have never seen before.
* Penza's law about math's lessons
The porter will knock at the door at the most crucial point of the lesson.
Sent by Simone Penzavalle
* Lancione's Law
You can't misspell numbers when you write them as digits.
Sent by Sal Lnacione
* The back of the room is never far enough.
Sent by Dan Goldstein
* Students will never fail to disappoint.
Sent by Grotblik
* The English language, e.g. It's a problem when its be right
Sent by Michael
* Demerits from a teacher you hate are put on your permanent record.
* Merits from a teacher you hate are put on the permanent record of a student you hate even more.
The last two laws were sent by Lenny Quites
* The examination paper is always easier when you are not taking it.
Sent by Jyotsna.
* Law of the Compounding of Murphy's Law:
All that has been accomplished by the insertion of the computer into the classroom is the combining of two areas covered under Murphy's Law.
* Law of Universal Intelligence:
The most ill-behaved student in all of a teacher's classes is always one of the bright ones he can't flunk.
* Law of Behavioral Management:
Nothing gets their attention like placing your nails on the chalkboard.
* Law of Parental Dynamics:
The worst chew-out from parents always comes from an incident their child lied about.
* Law of Inanimate Motion, also called the "Tendency to Sprout Legs":
Anything that is not firmly secured in place, regardless of size, will find its way out of the room.
Addendum: And cause a problem across the hall.
Corollary: The likelihood of an object's disappearance varies directly with its capacity to cause a problem across the hall.
The last five laws were sent by Timothy Boilard
* In the eyes of your professor, you are ALWAYS wrong, so don't bother trying.
Sent by Ana M.
* No matter how much you study for a test you will be asked a question that you don't know.
Sent by David Poole
* When you study for easy tests is when you fail miserably, but when you don't study for the hard ones, it's when you pass with 100%.
* When there's a teacher that everyone says you want, you end up with the ones you don't want. And when you do get the ones that you want, it's when they end up changing their ways, and decide to make the class really hard.
* If you know you are correct, then you aren't.
Sent by Brad Gochnauer
* To know much sleep less.
* You're not young enough to know it all
The last two laws were sent by Jan Wenall
* There is no such thing as a stupid question, unless the person asking the question is stupid.
sent by Shane Johnston
College Student Laws
* You just finished the paper that counts as your final five minutes before class only to discover the printer is out of ink
* No matter what the problem, alcohol will always solve it
* Pizza makes a complete meal... hot or cold
* Dinning dollars are always short in supply
* Your parents never fail to call you on your cell phone when you're at a party
* Whenever you have beer in your room, your RA decides it's the perfect time to make surprise inspections
* The professor never sticks to the syllabus
The last seven laws were sent by John Hofstra
* One college student in a hot rod car has half a brain, two college student have no brain
Sent by Wildmoongurl69@aol.com
* The harder you study, the farther behind you get
* Knowing mathematics and teaching mathematics are not equivalent
* What is "obvious" to everyone else won't be to you
* Notes written in class are hieroglyphics at home
* Problems that you can work won't be on the test
* Problems that you can't work will be on the test
* Any simple idea will be denoted using 3 different symbols
* Community College credo: fix anything with duct tape, eat only ramen noodles, drink only caffeine.
The last eight laws were sent by Eppeguy@aol.com, he got these laws from a math teacher
* If you study hard for that important examination, the setters will decide to change the focus of the exam to one that is 'thinking-based' and 'analytical'.
Corollary: If you memorized information, it will be useless.
* If you don't study for that important examination, the paper will be content-based.
Corollary: If you don't study, every question will appear to be something you remember reading on your textbooks from a month ago, hence will appear (deceptively of course) easy, although you will not recall the exact phrasing of an answer.
Sent by Winnie Choo.
* If you give information without citing the source, the information given is wrong.
* If you cite a source for information, it actually came from somebody else.
* If you didn't cite something, that was the one thing your professor wanted you to cite.
The last three laws were sent by Kevin Zuhn
* There is no such thing as a stupid question, unless the person asking the question is stupid.
Sent by Shane Johnston
* If you bring a solar powered calculator to a test, the room lights won't work.
Sent by RKLisle
*
* When you have worked out something intelligently, your classmates would have worked it out before you and in a better way
* When you think that a person you meet looks stupid, chances of them being really smart are very high
* The chances of doing badly in a test are really high when you've studied really hard. or The probability of scoring an A in a test is inversely proportional to your hard work (however, the reverse can NEVER be proved)
last three laws were sent by Manasa Parthasharathy
* On the day when you planned to do most of the preparation for your hardest final exam, your neighbour is going to mow the grass all day
Sent by Przemek Pająk
Murphy's real estate laws
Murphy's real estate laws
* That sweet little girl with the baby that you rented to, will start dating the mad motorcycle man from hell, ... and several of his friends, ... the very next week.
* Tenants have at least one relative get sick or die per month, so ... they will just have to pay you later.
* If a tenant attempts to replace the washer in a faucet, plan on replacing the faucet; perhaps all the plumbing in the building.
* Prospective tenants who make an appointment to see your rental across town, often get kidnapped on the way there... so there was just no way they could call you.
* Tenants only lock themselves out in the middle of the night... or on Christmas.
* When a furnace breaks in mid-winter, it is always the heat exchanger.
* At least one tenant's check will be "lost in the mail" every month.
* Every lost pet will find its way to your rental.
* The hardware store closes five minutes before you get there.
* A tenant's ability to see dirt and damage is much greater when the move in than when they move out.
* Your best tenants always get job transfers during the worst rental markets.
* Everything in your rentals will break 100 times faster than in your own home.
* The insurance inspector always shows up to take photos of the building as you are putting the evicted tenant’s possessions on the curb.
* Tenants always swear under oath that the window was broken when they moved in.
* When a tenant calls and says, "Hi, how are you?" something is drastically wrong.
* If it exists, your tenant will try to flush it down the toilet.
* If you have any questions about anything, ask your tenants.
* If it is pouring rain, you can be sure the windows are open at one or more at your units.
* Proper disposal of chewing gum is in the carpet
* That sweet little girl with the baby that you rented to, will start dating the mad motorcycle man from hell, ... and several of his friends, ... the very next week.
* Tenants have at least one relative get sick or die per month, so ... they will just have to pay you later.
* If a tenant attempts to replace the washer in a faucet, plan on replacing the faucet; perhaps all the plumbing in the building.
* Prospective tenants who make an appointment to see your rental across town, often get kidnapped on the way there... so there was just no way they could call you.
* Tenants only lock themselves out in the middle of the night... or on Christmas.
* When a furnace breaks in mid-winter, it is always the heat exchanger.
* At least one tenant's check will be "lost in the mail" every month.
* Every lost pet will find its way to your rental.
* The hardware store closes five minutes before you get there.
* A tenant's ability to see dirt and damage is much greater when the move in than when they move out.
* Your best tenants always get job transfers during the worst rental markets.
* Everything in your rentals will break 100 times faster than in your own home.
* The insurance inspector always shows up to take photos of the building as you are putting the evicted tenant’s possessions on the curb.
* Tenants always swear under oath that the window was broken when they moved in.
* When a tenant calls and says, "Hi, how are you?" something is drastically wrong.
* If it exists, your tenant will try to flush it down the toilet.
* If you have any questions about anything, ask your tenants.
* If it is pouring rain, you can be sure the windows are open at one or more at your units.
* Proper disposal of chewing gum is in the carpet
Murphy's commerce laws
Murphy's commerce laws
* The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
* If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
* A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the pants.
* Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
* It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you say you're going to do.
* After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
* The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
* You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
* Eat one live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
* Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
* When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
* If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
* There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
* The boss is always right.
* Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.
* Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
* Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous".
* Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
* To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
* In case of an atomic bomb attack, work rules will be temporarily suspended.
* Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.
* Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
* The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.
* There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
* The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization.
* If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
* You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
* If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't.
* People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
* People are always available for work in the past tense.
* People don't make the same mistake twice, they make it three, four, or five times.
* If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
* At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
* When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
* You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
* No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
* Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
* Following the rules will not get the job done.
* When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?".
* No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
* The longer the title, the less important the job.
* Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
* Progress is only made on alternate Tuesdays.
* An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
* Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
* The employee who has performed his duties faithfully and without fault for 5 years will be given an increase of five cents per day in his pay - provided the profits allow it.
* All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.
* Success is a matter of luck, just ask any failure.
* The value of any job task is inversely proportional to its deadline.
Sent by Ray Geist
* When you see an item in the flyer, by the time you get to the store its either sold out or the price has doubled.
Sent by Steve Barrett
* The person at the meeting or discussion who is right will be the person who is not listened and will later be blamed for coming up with the bad idea.
Sent by Andrew Komarow
* Just when you have no cash, you are in great pain and got to the bank to find the bank computers offline.
Sent by Sharifah
* Bills travel through the mail at twice as fast as checks.
* No man is an island, until it comes to paying the bills
The last two laws were sent by Magycke
* If you have a little extra money to blow, something will break, and cost more than that little extra.
Sent by Karen
* If you don't want it, there is plenty of it; If you really need it, they're all out of it.
The more you like a product, the more likely it will be discontinued.
Sent by Barry Nord
* If you are shopping to find a certain thing, no matter how simple it may be, no matter where you go, you will find every conceivable thing except that which you are looking for.
Sent by Brian Shannon
* The one time you didn't make a copy of your 1040, that's the one the IRS did not receive.
Sent by Bernadette
* I'm as good as my Employer
Sent by Rajiv Kulkarni
* Slog all day and no-one notices, take a 5 minute breather to play Window's Solitaire and the boss silently appears behind you.
* All urgent and critical reports are handed out on Friday evening and are due first thing Monday morning.
* Zain's Nutcracker Law
The best time to ask for a raise is when everything has gone wrong and your boss is in a panic mode.
Corollary 1:
Never ask for a raise after you have successfully completed a project.
Corollary 2:
If you do it right the first time, you will not be asked to resolve the problem and therefore will not be in a position to ask for a raise.
The last three laws were sent by Zain.
* Expenses rise to exceed income.
Sent by Bruce
* Just In Time inventory isn't
Sent by Guillermo Zepeda
* In a line the biggest order is in the front, and the customer has coupons and wants to write a check.
* in a 24 hour store, there are 5 customers in the store and they always come to the register at the same time. (and again the customer with the largest order is the first one in line)
The last two laws were sent by Millie
* What you don't know, will cost you a lot of money.
Sent by Mark Perkins
* It is no disgrace to be poor, but it is awfully inconvenient.
Sent by James Franklin
* When in trouble change the subject. However, this may lead the subject to another one of your offenses.
* When in trouble do what you can. If that fails try what you can't. If that fails give yourself an A for effort and run like hell with pride!
The last two laws were sent by Lenny Quites
* You pay peanuts and you get monkeys. In some organizations you pay doughnuts and you still get monkeys.
Sent by K. Balasubramanian
* The Customer is always unhappy about your product and service.
Sent by Kiran
* Little things make a lot more of a difference; but the little things don't get as much recognition.
Sent by Simion
* The pressure of responsibility taking a difficult decision is the result of a division between its importance and the number of participant persons.
* Excess of analysis causes paralysis
The last two laws were sent by Asier Zabarte
* The quality of workmanship of any given object is inversely proportional to how useful it is.
* The quality of workmanship of any given object is inversely proportional to how well it works
The last two laws were sent by Steven Halkett
* Eldredge's Aphorism:
Procedures should not be used as a substitute for thought.
Sent by Brad Eldredge, Ph.D., P.E
* law of activity:
One's willingness to do something is inversely proportional to:
A) the need for it to be done.
B) the number of people who are relying on that person to do it.
Sent by Kevin
* Ament's First Law of Corporate Survival:
When you see the shit is about to hit the fan, shut your mouth.
* Ament's Second Law of Corporate Survival: Duck.
The last two laws were sent by Michael Ament
* Inverse Rule of Contracts:
The smaller the dollar amount of a contract the longer it will take to negotiate.
Sent by John Hughes
* Somers' Law of Management:
One learns at least as much about management from poor managers as from good ones.
Sent by John Somers
* The more complicated the job is the less time and useful information you will be given.
* If the salesperson says, "All you have to do is..." you know you're in trouble.
* When a customer says, "It's perfect except..." you know it will be necessary to rebuild the whole piece.
The last three laws were sent by Robert Nicholson
* Assaf's Laws of Lines
o The number of open service windows at banks, post offices, airline counters, etc... always equals [n/2 - m], n being the total number of windows and m being a random number between 1 and the total number of windows minus 1.
o The simpler and quicker your transaction, the more complex and time-consuming the transaction of the person immediately ahead of you in the line.
Sent by Francis Assaf
* When you stand at your counter for hours on end and then go to break, that's when the customer comes and rings the bell for help.
Sent by Rebekah
* Any item that you want to purchase from a catalog will always be out of stock at the time you want to buy it.
Sent by Robert Van Sile
* If your Check-Book and Bank-Balance Sheet agree... Re-Do-It... You Goofed Up
This is from my own experience over the past 50+ years!
* "Billing Statements do not provide 'Actual Posting Dates' They reflect 'Accurate Posting Dates'"
This was contained within a reply from a Retail Credit Account Analyst of a major Banking Establishment
Sent by Clawd Hammer
* The severity of a sales problem is inversely proportional to the distance from nearest support office
Sent by Del Olds
* The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
* If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
* A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the pants.
* Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
* It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you say you're going to do.
* After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
* The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
* You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
* Eat one live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
* Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
* When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
* If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
* There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
* The boss is always right.
* Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.
* Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
* Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous".
* Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
* To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
* In case of an atomic bomb attack, work rules will be temporarily suspended.
* Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.
* Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
* The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.
* There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
* The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization.
* If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
* You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
* If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't.
* People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
* People are always available for work in the past tense.
* People don't make the same mistake twice, they make it three, four, or five times.
* If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
* At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
* When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
* You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
* No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
* Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
* Following the rules will not get the job done.
* When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?".
* No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
* The longer the title, the less important the job.
* Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
* Progress is only made on alternate Tuesdays.
* An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
* Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
* The employee who has performed his duties faithfully and without fault for 5 years will be given an increase of five cents per day in his pay - provided the profits allow it.
* All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.
* Success is a matter of luck, just ask any failure.
* The value of any job task is inversely proportional to its deadline.
Sent by Ray Geist
* When you see an item in the flyer, by the time you get to the store its either sold out or the price has doubled.
Sent by Steve Barrett
* The person at the meeting or discussion who is right will be the person who is not listened and will later be blamed for coming up with the bad idea.
Sent by Andrew Komarow
* Just when you have no cash, you are in great pain and got to the bank to find the bank computers offline.
Sent by Sharifah
* Bills travel through the mail at twice as fast as checks.
* No man is an island, until it comes to paying the bills
The last two laws were sent by Magycke
* If you have a little extra money to blow, something will break, and cost more than that little extra.
Sent by Karen
* If you don't want it, there is plenty of it; If you really need it, they're all out of it.
The more you like a product, the more likely it will be discontinued.
Sent by Barry Nord
* If you are shopping to find a certain thing, no matter how simple it may be, no matter where you go, you will find every conceivable thing except that which you are looking for.
Sent by Brian Shannon
* The one time you didn't make a copy of your 1040, that's the one the IRS did not receive.
Sent by Bernadette
* I'm as good as my Employer
Sent by Rajiv Kulkarni
* Slog all day and no-one notices, take a 5 minute breather to play Window's Solitaire and the boss silently appears behind you.
* All urgent and critical reports are handed out on Friday evening and are due first thing Monday morning.
* Zain's Nutcracker Law
The best time to ask for a raise is when everything has gone wrong and your boss is in a panic mode.
Corollary 1:
Never ask for a raise after you have successfully completed a project.
Corollary 2:
If you do it right the first time, you will not be asked to resolve the problem and therefore will not be in a position to ask for a raise.
The last three laws were sent by Zain.
* Expenses rise to exceed income.
Sent by Bruce
* Just In Time inventory isn't
Sent by Guillermo Zepeda
* In a line the biggest order is in the front, and the customer has coupons and wants to write a check.
* in a 24 hour store, there are 5 customers in the store and they always come to the register at the same time. (and again the customer with the largest order is the first one in line)
The last two laws were sent by Millie
* What you don't know, will cost you a lot of money.
Sent by Mark Perkins
* It is no disgrace to be poor, but it is awfully inconvenient.
Sent by James Franklin
* When in trouble change the subject. However, this may lead the subject to another one of your offenses.
* When in trouble do what you can. If that fails try what you can't. If that fails give yourself an A for effort and run like hell with pride!
The last two laws were sent by Lenny Quites
* You pay peanuts and you get monkeys. In some organizations you pay doughnuts and you still get monkeys.
Sent by K. Balasubramanian
* The Customer is always unhappy about your product and service.
Sent by Kiran
* Little things make a lot more of a difference; but the little things don't get as much recognition.
Sent by Simion
* The pressure of responsibility taking a difficult decision is the result of a division between its importance and the number of participant persons.
* Excess of analysis causes paralysis
The last two laws were sent by Asier Zabarte
* The quality of workmanship of any given object is inversely proportional to how useful it is.
* The quality of workmanship of any given object is inversely proportional to how well it works
The last two laws were sent by Steven Halkett
* Eldredge's Aphorism:
Procedures should not be used as a substitute for thought.
Sent by Brad Eldredge, Ph.D., P.E
* law of activity:
One's willingness to do something is inversely proportional to:
A) the need for it to be done.
B) the number of people who are relying on that person to do it.
Sent by Kevin
* Ament's First Law of Corporate Survival:
When you see the shit is about to hit the fan, shut your mouth.
* Ament's Second Law of Corporate Survival: Duck.
The last two laws were sent by Michael Ament
* Inverse Rule of Contracts:
The smaller the dollar amount of a contract the longer it will take to negotiate.
Sent by John Hughes
* Somers' Law of Management:
One learns at least as much about management from poor managers as from good ones.
Sent by John Somers
* The more complicated the job is the less time and useful information you will be given.
* If the salesperson says, "All you have to do is..." you know you're in trouble.
* When a customer says, "It's perfect except..." you know it will be necessary to rebuild the whole piece.
The last three laws were sent by Robert Nicholson
* Assaf's Laws of Lines
o The number of open service windows at banks, post offices, airline counters, etc... always equals [n/2 - m], n being the total number of windows and m being a random number between 1 and the total number of windows minus 1.
o The simpler and quicker your transaction, the more complex and time-consuming the transaction of the person immediately ahead of you in the line.
Sent by Francis Assaf
* When you stand at your counter for hours on end and then go to break, that's when the customer comes and rings the bell for help.
Sent by Rebekah
* Any item that you want to purchase from a catalog will always be out of stock at the time you want to buy it.
Sent by Robert Van Sile
* If your Check-Book and Bank-Balance Sheet agree... Re-Do-It... You Goofed Up
This is from my own experience over the past 50+ years!
* "Billing Statements do not provide 'Actual Posting Dates' They reflect 'Accurate Posting Dates'"
This was contained within a reply from a Retail Credit Account Analyst of a major Banking Establishment
Sent by Clawd Hammer
* The severity of a sales problem is inversely proportional to the distance from nearest support office
Sent by Del Olds
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