Murphy's teaching laws

Murphy's teaching laws

* The clock in the instructor's room will be wrong.
* Disaster will occur when visitors are in the room.
* A subject interesting to the teacher will bore students.
* The time a teacher takes in explaining is inversely proportional to the information retained by students.
* A meeting's length will be directly proportional to the boredom the speaker produces.
* Students who are doing better are credited with working harder. If children start to do poorly, the teacher will be blamed.
* The problem child will be a school board member's son.
* When the instructor is late, he will meet the principal in the hall.
* If the instructor is late and does not meet the principal, the instructor is late to the faculty meeting.
* New students come from schools that do not teach anything.
* Good students move away.
* When speaking to the school psychologist, the teacher will say: "weirdo" rather than "emotionally disturbed".
* The school board will make a better pay offer before the teacher's union negotiates.
* The instructor's study hall be the largest in several years.
* The administration will view the study hall as the teacher's preparation time.
* Clocks will run more quickly during free time.
* On a test day, at least 15% of the class will be absent
* If the instructor teaches art, the principal will be an ex-coach and will dislike art. If the instructor is a coach, the principal will be an ex-coach who took a winning team to the state.
* Murphy's Law ill go into effect at the beginning of an evaluation.
* Weiner's Law of Libraries
There are no answers, only cross references.
* Laws of Class Scheduling
1. If the course you wanted most has room for "n" students, you will be the "n+1" to apply.
2. Class schedules are designed so that every student will waste maximum time between classes.
Corollary: When you are occasionally able to schedule two classes in a row, they will be held in classrooms at opposite ends of the campus.
3. A prerequisite for a desired course will be offered only during the semester following the desired course.
* Laws of Applied Terror
1. When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most important ones will be illegible.
2. The more studying you did for the exam, the less sure you are as to which answer they want
3. Eighty percent of the final exam will be based on the one lecture you missed about the one book you didn't read.
4. The night before the English history midterm, your Biology instructor will assign two hundred pages on planarian.
Corollary: Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor's course.
5. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
Corollary: If you are given a take home exam, you will forget where you live.
Corollary: If the test is on-line, you will forget your password
The last corollary was sent by Feenyx
6. At the end of the semester you will recall having enrolled in a course at the beginning of the semester--and never attending.
* First Law of Final Exams
Pocket calculator batteries that have lasted all semester will fail during the math final.
Corollary: If you bring extra batteries, they will be defective.
* Second Law of Final Exams
In your toughest final, the most distractingly attractive student in class will sit next to you for the first time.
* Seeger's Law
Anything in parentheses can be ignored.
* Natalie' Law of Calculus
You never catch on until after the test.
* Seit's Law of Higher Education
The one course you must take to graduate will not be offered during you last semester.
* Rule of the Term Paper
The book or periodical most vital to the completion of your term paper will be missing from the library.
Corollary: If it is available, the most important page will be torn out.
* Duggan's Law of Scholarly Research
The most valuable quotation will be the one for which you cannot determine the source.
Corollary: The source for an un-attributed quotation will appear in the most hostile review of you work.
* Rominger's Rules for Students
1. The more general the title of a course, the less you will learn from it.
2. The more specific a title is, the less you will be able to apply it later.
* Hansen's Library Axiom
The closest library doesn't have the material you need.
* London's Law of Libraries
No matter which book you need, it's on the bottom shelf.
* Library Man's Laws
You won't find the books you checked out for that big project until after either the project or the books were due.
* The library will close 5 minutes before you remember that you left your book bag inside.
Corollary: It will be Saturday, and it won't open until Monday.
Corollary: Your half-finished term paper (due Monday morning) and all your research, will be inside.
* All librarians will be happy to help when you don't need it, but will vanish when you have a question about the Dewey Decimal system.
* Dewey was drunk when he made the decimal system.
The last four laws were sent by Andrew Stephens, he wants to dedicate these to the Centennial Branch Library of Circle Pines, MN.
* Rominger's Rules for Teachers
1. When a student asks for a second time if you have read his book report, he did not read the book.
2. If attendance is mandatory, a scheduled exam will produce increased absenteeism. If attendance is optional, an exam will produce persons you have never seen before.
* Penza's law about math's lessons
The porter will knock at the door at the most crucial point of the lesson.
Sent by Simone Penzavalle
* Lancione's Law
You can't misspell numbers when you write them as digits.
Sent by Sal Lnacione
* The back of the room is never far enough.
Sent by Dan Goldstein
* Students will never fail to disappoint.
Sent by Grotblik
* The English language, e.g. It's a problem when its be right
Sent by Michael
* Demerits from a teacher you hate are put on your permanent record.
* Merits from a teacher you hate are put on the permanent record of a student you hate even more.
The last two laws were sent by Lenny Quites
* The examination paper is always easier when you are not taking it.
Sent by Jyotsna.
* Law of the Compounding of Murphy's Law:
All that has been accomplished by the insertion of the computer into the classroom is the combining of two areas covered under Murphy's Law.
* Law of Universal Intelligence:
The most ill-behaved student in all of a teacher's classes is always one of the bright ones he can't flunk.
* Law of Behavioral Management:
Nothing gets their attention like placing your nails on the chalkboard.
* Law of Parental Dynamics:
The worst chew-out from parents always comes from an incident their child lied about.
* Law of Inanimate Motion, also called the "Tendency to Sprout Legs":
Anything that is not firmly secured in place, regardless of size, will find its way out of the room.
Addendum: And cause a problem across the hall.
Corollary: The likelihood of an object's disappearance varies directly with its capacity to cause a problem across the hall.
The last five laws were sent by Timothy Boilard
* In the eyes of your professor, you are ALWAYS wrong, so don't bother trying.
Sent by Ana M.
* No matter how much you study for a test you will be asked a question that you don't know.
Sent by David Poole
* When you study for easy tests is when you fail miserably, but when you don't study for the hard ones, it's when you pass with 100%.
* When there's a teacher that everyone says you want, you end up with the ones you don't want. And when you do get the ones that you want, it's when they end up changing their ways, and decide to make the class really hard.
* If you know you are correct, then you aren't.
Sent by Brad Gochnauer
* To know much sleep less.
* You're not young enough to know it all
The last two laws were sent by Jan Wenall
* There is no such thing as a stupid question, unless the person asking the question is stupid.
sent by Shane Johnston

College Student Laws

* You just finished the paper that counts as your final five minutes before class only to discover the printer is out of ink
* No matter what the problem, alcohol will always solve it
* Pizza makes a complete meal... hot or cold
* Dinning dollars are always short in supply
* Your parents never fail to call you on your cell phone when you're at a party
* Whenever you have beer in your room, your RA decides it's the perfect time to make surprise inspections
* The professor never sticks to the syllabus
The last seven laws were sent by John Hofstra
* One college student in a hot rod car has half a brain, two college student have no brain
Sent by Wildmoongurl69@aol.com
* The harder you study, the farther behind you get
* Knowing mathematics and teaching mathematics are not equivalent
* What is "obvious" to everyone else won't be to you
* Notes written in class are hieroglyphics at home
* Problems that you can work won't be on the test
* Problems that you can't work will be on the test
* Any simple idea will be denoted using 3 different symbols
* Community College credo: fix anything with duct tape, eat only ramen noodles, drink only caffeine.
The last eight laws were sent by Eppeguy@aol.com, he got these laws from a math teacher
* If you study hard for that important examination, the setters will decide to change the focus of the exam to one that is 'thinking-based' and 'analytical'.
Corollary: If you memorized information, it will be useless.
* If you don't study for that important examination, the paper will be content-based.
Corollary: If you don't study, every question will appear to be something you remember reading on your textbooks from a month ago, hence will appear (deceptively of course) easy, although you will not recall the exact phrasing of an answer.
Sent by Winnie Choo.
* If you give information without citing the source, the information given is wrong.
* If you cite a source for information, it actually came from somebody else.
* If you didn't cite something, that was the one thing your professor wanted you to cite.
The last three laws were sent by Kevin Zuhn
* There is no such thing as a stupid question, unless the person asking the question is stupid.
Sent by Shane Johnston
* If you bring a solar powered calculator to a test, the room lights won't work.
Sent by RKLisle
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* When you have worked out something intelligently, your classmates would have worked it out before you and in a better way
* When you think that a person you meet looks stupid, chances of them being really smart are very high
* The chances of doing badly in a test are really high when you've studied really hard. or The probability of scoring an A in a test is inversely proportional to your hard work (however, the reverse can NEVER be proved)
last three laws were sent by Manasa Parthasharathy
* On the day when you planned to do most of the preparation for your hardest final exam, your neighbour is going to mow the grass all day
Sent by Przemek Pająk