Murphy's computers laws

Murphy's computers laws
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
Any given program costs more and takes longer each time it is run.
If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
Any given program will expand to fill all the available memory.
The value of a program is inversely proportional to the weight of its output.
Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.
Every non trivial program has at least one bug
Corollary 1 - A sufficient condition for program triviality is that it have no bugs.
Corollary 2 - At least one bug will be observed after the author leaves the organization.
Bugs will appear in one part of a working program when another 'unrelated' part is modified.
The subtlest bugs cause the greatest damage and problems.
Corollary - A subtle bug will modify storage thereby masquerading as some other problem.
Lulled into Security Law
A 'debugged' program that crashes will wipe out source files on storage devices when there is the least available backup.
A hardware failure will cause system software to crash, and the customer engineer will blame the programmer.
A system software crash will cause hardware to act strangely and the programmers will blame the customer engineer.
Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
Make it possible for programmers to write programs in English, and you will find that programmers can not write in English.
The documented interfaces between standard software modules will have undocumented quirks.
The probability of a hardware failure disappearing is inversely proportional to the distance between the computer and the customer engineer.
A working program is one that has only unobserved bugs.
No matter how many resources you have, it is never enough.
Any cool program always requires more memory than you have.
When you finally buy enough memory, you will not have enough disk space.
Disks are always full. It is futile to try to get more disk space. Data expands to fill any void.
If a program actually fits in memory and has enough disk space, it is guaranteed to crash.
If such a program has not crashed yet, it is waiting for a critical moment before it crashes.
No matter how good of a deal you get on computer components, the price will always drop immediately after the purchase.
All components become obsolete.
The speed with which components become obsolete is directly proportional to the price of the component.
Software bugs are impossible to detect by anybody except the end user.
The maintenance engineer will never have seen a model quite like yours before.
It is axiomatic that any spares required will have just been discontinued and will be no longer in stock.
Any VDU, from the cheapest to the most expensive, will protect a twenty cent fuse by blowing first.
Any manufacturer making his warranties dependent upon the device being earthed will only supply power cabling with two wires.
If a circuit requires n components, then there will be only n - 1 components in locally-held stocks.
A failure in a device will never appear until it has passed final inspection.
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
A program generator creates programs that are more buggy than the program generator.
All Constants are Variables.
Sent by Risto Matikainen
Constants aren't
Variables won't
The last two laws were sent by Hnathoo
A part dropped from the workbench will roll to a degree of un-reachability proportional to its importance.
Sent by Neal Buddenberg
In a transistor circuit protected by a fuse, the transistor will always blow to protect the fuse.
Sent by Neal Buddenberg
The best way to see your boss is to access the Internet.
No matter how hard you work, the boss will only appear when you access the Internet.
The hard drive on your computer will only crash when it contains vital information that has not been backed up.
The last two laws were sent by Charles L. Mays
Computers don't make errors-What they do they do on purpose.
Sent by Terry Jaster
If Murphy's laws are so true then how come I can log onto this site and submi............
[connection reset - error message 928 ]
Sent by Paul Breen
Gumption's Law (?)
Any problem, no matter how complex, can be found by simple inspection.
Corollary: A nagging intruder with unsought advice will spot it immediately.
Sent by Ray Geist who found it handy when he was debugging computer code.
Each computer code has five bugs, and tis number does not depend on how many bugs have been already found (it is conservative).
Sent by Andrew
Profanity is one language all computer users know.
Sent by Jeff Webb

Murphy's love laws

All the good ones are taken.
If the person isn't taken, there's a reason.
The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.
Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant.
This constant is always zero.
Sent by Van Den Bossche Jochen
The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.
Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
The best things in the world are free --- and worth every penny of it.
Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
Nice guys (girls) finish last.
The good ones die first.
Sent by Henry
If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
Availability is a function of time. The minute you get interested is the minute they find someone else.
The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
Nothing improves with age.
No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
Sex has no calories.
Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
No sex with anyone in the same office.
Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
Virginity can be cured.
When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
It is always the wrong time of month.
The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
Love is a hole in the heart.
If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
Do it only with the best.
Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Anonymous comment:
The person who said that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all...NEVER loved and lost!
Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.
Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
Never say no.
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
Love comes in spurts.
The world does not revolve on an axis.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
"This won't hurt, I promise."
Nothing improves with age.
An ex-wife/husband will always be "till death do us part".
Sent by Leesa.
When a man wants his wife to hear, she doesn't listen.
When that same man doesn't want his wife to hear, she's all ears.
It's always easier to get a partner if you already have one.
Although it may seem like that on the outside, no one is having fun being single
If you're heart is broken, sweep up the pieces.
There will always be someone who will want to put it back together.
The last four laws were sent by David
Love and high-school must NEVER go together.
Sent by GonzRock
If a man speaks deep in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him; is he still wrong?
Sent by Ray Williams
Show me a husband who won't, I'll show you a neighbor who will
It doesn't matter HOW good it was, if you end up worrying or regretting it, it was bad sex
You get the best sex from the worst one for you
Never trust a woman who acts like you are so sexy she can't help herself but drag you to bed
No one is as fascinating as they think
The last two laws were sent by Jack Betz
If you believe a relationship can't work, but feel the need to try, it won't.
Corollary: You will later find out that your lack of belief caused it to fail.
Sent by Greg
The duration of a relationship to a person is inversely proportionate to the importance of person to you.
Sent be Sweatnpup
The Key to a woman's heart is an unexpected gift at an unexpected time.
Sent by Finding Forrester.
The two thing no man can ever understand; Women and what makes all men complete damm fools over women.
Sent by Jack Betz

Murphy's technology laws

Murphy's technology laws
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord.
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure. great discoveries are made by mistake.
Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
All's well that ends.
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
The first myth of management is that it exists.
A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.
New systems generate new problems.
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
Arthur C. Clark
A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.
Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.
Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.

Murphy's Military Laws

Murphy's Military Laws

Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.
Friendly fire ain't.
The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already mined it.
The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
The further you are in advance of your own positions, the more likely your artillery will shoot short.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used on abandoned positions.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take a shot at you, and miss.
Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire. Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.
If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.